Touhou Omake
by jcarreau
Summary: These are a series of humorous stories, or omake, that are not connected to my other Touhou fanfics. If you know anything about the Touhou Project, dig in!
1. Patchy Gets Buff

[Author's note. This series is not connected to my other Touhou fanfictions, i.e., it has nothing to do with Touhou Monogatari. (although I may reference my other fics occasionally) Also, each chapter is self-contained. Once I get more than one omake finished, you can jump around as you please. Lastly, these omake are all focused on humor.

The idea for this first omake was sparked by canon, of all places. Look up the Touhou wiki if you don't believe me. And now, without further ado.]

Omake 1: Patchy Gets Buff.

In the dimly lit corridors of Voile, an unmoving librarian was reading a book. She flew with her back slouched as if she were sitting in a chair. Her eyes veered right-to-left, (Kanji text, after all), even as a commotion broke out. "Help me, Patchy! She came back!" Screamed a red-haired demon.

By "she", the demon meant a girl dressed as a witch from the West(ern world). "Settle down, ze! I came to help!"

The unmoving librarian said, "So I take it you came to return my material for once?"

Marisa laughed, "Ha! Not quite, but I'll do you one better!" She cleared her throat, "I learned something important about magicians."

"Such as?"

"I think I know why you're so weak."

Patchouli stopped reading. With her hands rested on top of her closed book, she said, "Really? You, a rat who doesn't know me that well, knows why my health is poor?"

Marisa replied, "Maybe. Okay, hear this; I learned that some of the materials that witches use, like arsenic, can weaken youkai. Even if it doesn't kill them, it still hurts their bodies."

Patchouli queried, "And where did you hear this?"

Marisa said, "The hermit girl, Kasen Ibara. Oh, you probably don't know her. She likes to bug Reimu about things. Well, she told me that some of the chemicals witches use for experiments and stuff is dangerous, and that's when I realized, maybe she's right. I know Alice isn't a pushover, but she's not exactly built like an oni either, but then I thought of you, and . . . well, I just thought I'd tell you."

Patchouli tilted her head, "And you're telling this why~?"

Marisa blushed, "Uh, cuz I wouldn't want the librarian here to suffer so I can keep perusing her books, maybe?"

Patchouli stared though Marisa, then stated, "I will consider your advice, though I would still prefer it if you returned my books."

Marisa reached behind her head, "Uh, that's gonna have to wait. I better leave before anyone else notices me, ze. See ya!" With that, she took off.

Koakuma faced Patchouli, "Patchy, do you think . . . she's right? The things we use for our potions and alchemy . . . is that why we aren't physically strong?"

Patchouli responded, "The black-and-white rat is a habitual liar, but she wouldn't lie about something if it served her somehow." _In this case, my library._ "I will talk to the Mistress about this, nonetheless."

Later that day, Patchouli met up with Remilia. The vampire was listening to music on a vinyl record player when the librarian floated in, "Oh, Patchy. What a surprise. What brings you here?"

Patchouli opened with, "I had an interesting conversation with the black-and-white rat just now."

Remilia pouted, "That stupid girl! She breaks in here so often, she may as well live here by now! Well, you did chase her out, right?"

Patchouli continued, "She left. But she came in and told me why she thinks I'm so weak. She believes it's because I exposed myself to dangerous chemicals. I know some of the substances I work with would be lethal to a human, but I never gave it much thought due to my youkai immunity, however, she claims that toxins can still weaken youkai."

Remilia said, "Hmm. I never thought of that, myself."

Patchouli said, "I would like to start another experiment. I'm going to get rid of all of my potentially hazardous materials, and see how that works. In fact, I'll have your sister blow them up for me, I'm sure she'll get a kick out of that. We'll go thirty days, and we'll see if my health improves or not. How does that sound?"

Remilia grinned, "I think this is a great idea, Patchy."

And so Patchouli got rid of her chemicals, and waited thirty days, as she said. By the end of the month, Patchouli met up with Remilia again. The vampire said, "The thirty days are up. Tell me, have you noticed anything?"

Patchouli answered, "Yes. I feel like . . . like I have more stamina. I can stay up later than usual, and I don't need as much coffee to keep myself awake whenever I read. Whenever I wake up in the morning, I don't feel as lethargic, and I can carry a heavy book for a longer period of time."

Remilia smiled so much, her fangs were showing. "That's it, Patchy! We've found the cure to your anemia! You've started becoming stronger, like a true youkai! But you can't stop here; you've got to get stronger. And for starters, I order you to not fly whenever you don't need to."

Upon hearing that, Patchouli made her feet rest upon the ground. Remilia continued, "Yes. Start walking. Get blood circulating through your legs. And when you walk, try moving your arms around too, to get more," She licked her lips, "To get more life fluid moving. It'll be a great boost to your muscular and cardiovascular system if you keep it up."

"I see." Patchouli said, "I shouldn't be as reliant on magic. Perhaps then I could become stronger. Thank you again, Lady Remilia."

Patchouli left to go back to the library. As she walked, a stunned Sakuya saw her, "Patchy, you're . . . walking?"

Patchouli stated, "Yes. My body can handle it, now. Is that a problem?"

Sakuya said, "No, that's good! Maybe you'll get over your anemia if you keep it up."

When she entered the library, Koakuma saw her on her feet, "Patchy, you're not flying! Is something wrong?"

"No. The Mistress believes I can get stronger if I use my limbs more. I want to see if I really can overcome my weakness."

And so time went on, with Patchouli relying less on magic and the maids, and more on her physical body to do things. In another month, she met with Remilia again. She told her, "Lady Remilia, not only do I have even more stamina, I find it easier to recite spells now! I can't stop, I must move on to the next level!"

Remilia suggested, "Maybe China could help you out with that?"

Later that day, Patchouli stepped outside to a confused Hong Meiling. "Patchy? What are you doing here? I know the Mistress said you were exercising more, but, still, why are you out here?"

Patchouli declared, "Meiling, teach me to be strong like you."

Meiling made a _pfft_ sound, and giggled, "You're not doing that again! Remember when you tried having me train you back when we were in Europe, and remember what you said?" She imitated Patchouli's droll voice, "'This regiment hurts my knees.' 'This exercise makes me winded.' 'This maneuver is too hard.' 'Nevermind, China. I'll just stay in the library.'"

Patchouli responded in a strong voice, "That was before I gave up the chemicals, and before I started strengthening my body. I am different, now. I can handle it. And besides, don't you need the company?"

Meiling pondered, "Well, yeah. And if fairies came by, I could count on your spells to get rid of them. Alright, let's get started, young Patchy!"

An icy cold stare bore though Meiling.

"Nevermind that last part."

Meiling started to show Patchouli basic martial arts. A week afterwards, Patchouli spoke with her familiar, "Koakuma, I'm leaving you in charge of the library. You are the head librarian of Voile until further notice."

After another week of training, Patchouli said to Meiling, "I have made an important decision. My hair is too long; it restricts my movements. I am cutting it short."

Meiling was shocked, "But, hair doesn't slow me down! Mine goes down to my butt, and I can still move freely!"

Patchouli insisted, "But I need maximum mobility. I'll see if I can get it to the mistress' preferred length." And so, the maids removed her hair ribbons and cut her hair to Remilia length. In two weeks, Patchouli spotted Sakuya cleaning the windows from the outside. She greeted her, "Afternoon, Sakuya. Might I ask you for a favor?"

Sakuya turned around, "Oh, Patchy! I'm still not used to you being outside so much! What do you need?"

Patchouli said to her, "I can't move as fast as you, and I can't control time like you. Nonetheless, I want you to teach me how to evade attacks like you. I have greater mobility now, and if you would, teach me to use that mobility."

Sakuya giggled, "Sure! When I'm finished here, I'll help you."

Two more weeks passed. On a whim, Patchouli visited Flandre. The vampire laughed, "Ha ha ha! Patchy looks so funny with short hair!"

Patchouli smiled, "Flandre, remember that time when we sparred with no magic?"

Flandre exclaimed, "Yeah! I flicked you with my little pinky finger, and you fell flat on your butt! A ha ha! That was so funny!"

Patchouli's grin grew wider, "Flick me again."

"Okay!" Flandre went to Patchouli and flicked her pinky finger at her shoulder. Patchouli stumbled back a few steps, but maintained her balance. "Patchy didn't fall down!" Flandre noted.

Another week passed. Patchouli met with Remilia. The blue-haired madam noticed, "Patchy, your skin, it's not as pale as it used to be."

Patchouli looked and noticed that her hands were beige instead of milky white. "Huh, fancy that." She then looked at her mistress, "Okay Lady Remilia, this is what I wanted to ask; I want the maids to make short clothes for me."

Remilia pouted, "But if you did that, you'd look less feminine!"

Patchouli countered, "I know, but I need more mobility, and it is the warmer season, so may I?"

Remilia said, "I'll see what the fairies come up with."

The maids made short pants and short-sleeved shirts for Patchouli. They were still a light lavender color, but now she could move even more freely. Not only that, instead of wearing her pajama-like shoes, she now wears black slip-ons like Meiling. She felt like she could take on anything.

[Author's Note: I don't normally put an author's note in the middle of the story, but right now, I want you to picture a montage sequence, with montage music, depicting Patchy doing crazy workout things, like doing sit-ups, and lifting weights with books as weight, and arm-wrestling Meiling, and evading a spellcard of Flandre's, and ending with Patchy jogging up the stairs into the Netherworld, and reaching the top. After you've done that, continue with the story.]

About a year passed since then. It was warm weather season again, so Patchouli was wearing her shorts. Remilia had invited Patchouli into her quiet room, the place where she goes to hold private conversations. When the two were in, Remilia said, "Patchy, I'm amazed by your transformation since the human witch gave you that advice. You're at least as fit as Sakuya now. However, there is one thing I want to test. Lift up your shirt so that your midriff is showing."

Patchouli did so. Remilia felt Patchouli's abdomen with her fingers, "Yes, your muscles aren't flabby anymore. You are still a woman, and as such, you're not overly muscular, but you've become so firm. However, can you survive this?" Remilia dug her fingernail into Patchouli's gut, but to no avail. "Huh? I can't cut you so easily anymore! Your blood isn't drawing! Sure, if I put more force into it, I could, but you're stronger than the average human now! You truly are a youkai!"

Patchouli grinned, "Hey wait, what about Sakuya? Is she really a human like she says, or is she a youkai like us?"

Remilia's eyes turned completely red, and she commanded, "You are not fated to know the answer to that question, Patchouli Knowledge."

Patchouli's face was emotionless, and she monotoned, "I understand, Lady Remilia Scarlet."

Remilia's eyes returned to normal, "That's all I wanted to say. Congratulations again."

A few days passed. Normally, Sakuya was the one who went to the Human Village to purchase and transport goods for the mansion. However, before Sakuya could leave, Patchouli sprung out and shouted, "Wait!" She faced Remilia, "Lady Remilia, it would be my honor to take Sakuya's place today."

Everyone stopped. Everyone dropped their jaws. Everyone focused their eyes on the librarian. Remilia tried to regain her composure, "You're telling me you want to go shopping? Do you even know how to get to the human village?"

Patchouli murmured, "You just follow the dirt road past the lake, right? How hard can it be?"'

Sakuya asked, "Yes, but do you know where exactly to shop, and what exactly to get?"

Patchouli responded, "Fill me in on the details, and I'll be able to."

Sakuya explained to her, handed her some money, and she left. As Patchouli walked past Meiling, the guard said, "Best of luck, Sakuya!"

"I'm not Sakuya."

Meiling was taken back, "Oh, my apologies, Patchy! Best of luck to you!"

Patchouli marched forward . . . until she hit the lake's edge. "The mistress said I can still fly if I needed to." She levitated past the lake and onto the dirt road leading to the Village. She touched down and started her walk. As was expected, fairies tried to attack her. She would sometimes flick her fingers to shoot danmaku at her attackers, but other times, she would use fisticuffs to subdue the fairies. In one instance, she even did a (literal) flying jump kick at a particularly stubborn fairy. She eventually reached the village. Unlike in the mansion, there were no overt displays of magic. There were people, mostly humans, mingling and going about. Patchouli had never seen such a place before moving into Gensokyo before. She looked around and found the store Sakuya told her about. As she walked by, she overheard some humans saying that it was around the time "that pretty maid" from the Scarlet mansion showed up in the village. She entered the store and met the shopkeeper. "Can I help you?"

Patchouli handed him the list. "Assemble these items for me. I have the money for them."

As the man looked over the list, he noted, "Hey, aren't these the things Miss Izayoi always buys?"

Patchouli answered, "Yes, but today, she is having a break. I am acting on her behalf."

The shopkeeper rambled, "Oh really? It's just that people have gotten so used to her coming, she's become quite popular."

Patchouli flew right next to his face. "You're not servicing me. How do you think that temple built just outside of town would feel if I told them you were refusing me service just because I was a youkai?"

The shopkeeper nervously replied, "Uh, right. No sense turning you down if you pay good money, ha ha."

She eventually got her things. She walked back the path she came on. Because she was holding things, she couldn't fight fairies with more than one hand, so she danmaku'd anything that got in her way. When she returned to the lake, a grinning blue-haired fairy was waiting for her. "The library girl is out of her element! I must make an example of her!"

Patchouli sighed as she dropped her belongings. Cirno flew at her, firing icicles. Patchouli dodged all of the icicles while keeping her feet planted on the ground. When Cirno came close enough for a melee attack, Patchouli responded by uppercutting Cirno across the jaw. "WAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!" Cirno was last seen falling into the lake.

Patchouli went back into the mansion. Remilia and Sakuya were waiting. Patchouli laid down her purchases and told them, "Everything went smoothly, although the villagers have taken a liking to you, Sakuya."

Sakuya responded, "Oh, they didn't miss me, did they?"

Patchouli answered, "I'd say they did. Then again, you are of above-average height, sport large blue eyes, and always have that non-descript smile on your face; I guess the humans weren't expecting someone like me, someone who doesn't conform to _their_ idea of charm."

Remilia and Sakuya glared at the librarian, but thanked her anyway. Sometime later, Patchouli told everyone that she was going out. She traveled, mostly on foot, to the Forest of Magic. "Now, where was she exactly?" She traveled and traveled, until she found a cottage in an open clearing, "I hope this is the right one." She knocked on the door.

Marisa stepped out, "For the last time, Alice, no, I don't have," her eyes widened, " Huh? Who are you? Wait . . . Patchouli? I recognize your face, but, what have you been . . . oh no, it's finally happening! I have to pay for my sins!"

Patchouli scolded, "You're damn right you do, but let's settle this with a contest. Let's have a melee duel. No magic, no flying, but you can use spellcards related to melee combat. If you win, I'll leave. If I win, I get back my books that _rightfully_ belong to me."

Marisa questioned, "Can I use my broom in battle?"

"Sure, not that'll help."

Marisa grinned, "You sure sound confident! Alright, let's do this, da ze!"

She stepped outside, and the two witches initiated a duel. Marisa had longer reach with her broomstick, but it proved useless since Patchouli always either dodged or parried her attacks. Not only that, her fists and feet _hurt_. Eventually, she was knocked down, and blurted out, "Mercy! You win!"

Patchouli snorted, "Heh! I defeated you in a physical contest! Now to reap my rewards-"

"-Hey wait." Marisa interrupted, "You've obviously been working out, but I'll bet you've been neglecting your witchcraft!"

"Not in the slightest." Patchouli retorted as she shot some fireballs at the ordinary witch.

"Wha!" Marisa quickly put up a star-shaped barrier before she was hit. "You can't just fire at me when you said no magic, ze! I'm telling Reimu!"

Patchouli stated, "Let her come. I can deal with her." She then stepped inside the house . . . only to find a nightmare, "BAAAAAH! Your house, it's-it's-it's a garbage heap!" She tried looking around, "Where am I supposed to find my booksǃ?"

Marisa struggled back in, "Here and there. I never cared for organization, since I don't really see the point."

Patchouli then spotted a book she recognized, "Ah! My encyclopedia on wild mushrooms!" She picked it up. "That's one book down. Oh! My grimoire of druidic magics! I was wondering where that went." Her stack grew higher, "Oh look! My unabridged history of alchemy textbook! Amazing! And even a couple volumes of Dragon Ball! Meiling will be happy!" She then noticed she couldn't carry any more books. She whispered, "I knew I should've brought Sakuya with me." She looked at Marisa, "Listen up; you've got too many books of mine here. I'm taking back just these for now. You can keep my other books for a while, but if you don't return them soon enough, I will come back for them. And I will keep coming back until I get back all of my reading material, understand?"

Marisa responded in a tinny voice, "Uh huh."

When Patchouli came out, she noticed that she was a little tired from her fight. Add to the weight of her books, she was slowed down. She flew back to the mansion.

Because of her attack, Marisa came by periodically to return Patchouli's books. Later, Patchouli volunteered to go back to the village to buy more supplies. When she arrived, some villagers said, "Oh hey, it's you again! Are you acting for Miss Izayoi again?"

Patchouli droned, "Yes."

One of the villagers commented, "Really? You don't behave anything like her. Miss Izayoi is so nice to us! Always bowing, always pleasant . . ."

Patchouli fired back, "Why should I show you pleasantries? You're not exactly invited guests of the Mistress. I only came here to purchase supplies, nothing more."

The villagers frowned. Patchouli bought things and returned. When she came back, Remilia asked, "How was it, this time?"

Patchouli sounded off, "A little bit easier. I think there was a male villager staring at my legs, though. But then again, it makes sense. Unlike you, my legs have shape. Your legs are so skinny, they look like noodle strands."

Remilia furrowed her brows, "I do not have noodle legs! Don't say such a thing!"

Patchouli said, "Don't feel bad about it. I'm sure some guys would enjoy that." She retreated to the library.

A few days passed. Patchouli was lifting books for weight in the library. A fairy maid flew to her, "Patchy, you have a visitor."

"A visitor? Bring them in."

A minute passed. Patchouli saw who her guest was; a girl dressed like a shrine maiden. "Afternoon, Patchouli."

The librarian questioned, "Reimu Hakurei? What are you doing here?"

"I've been receiving some complaints about your behavior. Some of the villagers said that you've been callous towards them. Also, your own devil lady said you insulted her body shape. Not only that, and most importantly, Marisa claims that you broke a rule during a spellcard duel."

Patchouli quipped, "So? What are you going to do about it?"

Reimu gripped her rod, "An attack like that on a human is unacceptable! I will punish you!"

Patchouli laughed, "Ha! If you did that, you'd incur the wrath of everyone here! You know how dangerous the Mistresses are!"

Reimu made a delicious smile, "I have their blessings."

Patchouli stopped herself, "Huh? They wanted you here? Well, I could understand grievances from Lady Remilia and Sakuya, but Lady Flandre, China, and Koakuma too?"

* * *

><p>"She keeps killing the fairies for me! She's stealing my thunder!" Meiling told Reimu, as waterfalls of tears streamed down her face.<p>

"Patchy doesn't let me walk all over her anymore! It's so frustrating!" Flandre told Reimu, as she pouted with her cheeks.

"She won't let me look at my favorite books anymore! She hogs them all to herself!" Koakuma told Reimu, as she narrowed her eyes in frustration.

* * *

><p>"However," Reimu interjected, "There is a way for you to redeem yourself. Offer me a donation."<p>

"You're . . . begging?"

"Come on! I know you're loaded! Offer me some yen and I'll overlook your transgressions!"

Patchouli reached for a spellbook, "This isn't like before. I don't have to kowtow to a humie like you any longer."

Reimu reached for a spellcard. She asked softly, "Will melee and danmaku together be acceptable?"

The librarian nodded.

They both activated spellcards. The author was too lazy to bother looking up exactly which spellcards they used, so this text will now skip to a lull in the battle.

"You're much stronger than before." Reimu observed, "You're almost as powerful as Remilia!"

Patchouli flashed a wicked grin, "Now you know what the Mistress sees in me!" She continued firing, however, she forgot one important detail; Reimu is notorious for being hard to hit in battle. (Is this why Yukari selected the Hakurei to guard the Boundary? Because they aren't anorexic, they're just naturally small-built?) Patchouli could not compete against this advantage, and eventually fell in battle.

Reimu ordered, "Wait here. Your family is coming." She flew out.

When Patchouli came to, she saw Meiling, Sakuya, Koakuma, Remilia, and Flandre all staring down at her, with their arms folded and their faces scowling in dissatisfaction. "Is this what you want, Patchy?" Remilia broke in.

Patchouli stood up, "Of course this is what I want! I'm stronger and healthier now than I ever have been! You should be happy for me!"

Sakuya cut in, "We are, Patchouli. However, you seemed to have developed a superiority complex in the process."

Patchouli recited, "Superiority complex, a belief that one is above others. Wait . . . I really have developed one, haven't I?"

Remilia stated, "Yes, and it is interfering with our lives. You continue to condescend to me, Sakuya, and the villagers. I thought for someone as mature as you, I wouldn't have to tell you to show pleasantries to strangers you purchase items for us."

Meiling inserted, "And I want to actually beat up wandering youkai again! I wanna feel useful!"

Flandre said, "And Sis is right! You can't be mean to people who don't deserve it!"

Koakuma pleaded, "So please, Patchy; stop being so hurtful. For our sakes, and your own as well."

Patchouli paused for a moment. Then she said, "Okay."

"YAAAAAY!" Flandre blurted out, as she hugged Patchouli.

Meiling joined in, with waterfalls of tears, "Oh Patchy! I knew you'd come to your senses!"

Koakuma and Sakuya smiled as Remilia commented, "I think a visit from the miko just was just what we needed, but in truth, regardless of your actions, we're all still better off than one certain Gensokyan."

Patchouli knew who she was referring to, and sarcastically remarked, "Gee, I wonder who that could be?"

* * *

><p>There was a knock at Marisa's door. "I'm coming! I'm coming!" Marisa said.<p>

Upon opening the door, she saw Alice . . . wearing shorts . . . and looking a little tougher on the outside. "Marisa, my bomb dolls have vanished. I asked Reimu about this, and she said you would know what happened to them. This isn't what I think it is, is it?"

Marisa became flustered, "Uh, I dunno. What do you think it is, ze?"

Alice countered, "You wanna know what I think? Simple; there is a principle difference between you and I."

"I'm a human, and you're a human-turned-youkai?"

Alice responded, "Yes, but besides that. You see, you are a thief and a liar, whereas," Alice clenched her fists and shouted in a guttural voice, "**I AM A WOMAN!**" Her right fist sank into Marisa's sternum.


	2. Touhou fanfic cliches

Omake 2: Cliches in Touhou Fanfiction xm0123 is tired of seeing.

It's a beautiful day at the Hakurei Shrine. Two girls were standing on the steps to the entrance. The one with dark hair said, "Hey there, everyone! I'm Reimu Hakurei!"

The other one said, "And I'm Marisa Kirisame!"

Reimu continued, "As you know, Touhou has become a phenomenon in the doujin community. It is not only a SHMUP series with a lot of popularity, it's a series that has also spawned fan-made music, fiction, artwork, games, and much much more!"

Marisa interjected, "But just because it's got Touhou branded on it doesn't automatically mean it's good!"

Reimu spoke, "Take for example fanfiction. Touhou fanfiction is like the fanfiction of any other franchise: some of it is good, some of it is bad, and some of it is really, really weird."

Marisa added, "But there are some things happenin' in Touhou fanfics that we are tired of seeing. Many of the things we'll list happens in a lot of fandoms, but Touhou is no exception, either, ze! And with this out of the way, our first item!"

Cliche #1: Killing off characters meaninglessly.

Reimu said, "There's nothing wrong with killing off a character. If done correctly, it can add gravitas to the story."

Marisa added, "But if done poorly, it'll just look like a half-assed attempt at making a soap opera out of a fairly lighthearted (for the most part) franchise."

Reimu scowled, "Besides, have you ever wondered what would happen if we really _did_ get killed off?"

* * *

><p>Reimu was sweeping the walks of the shrine. Suddenly, a sakura petal landed on her head. She quickly collapsed and whispered, "Yargh. I got dead."<p>

The Yakumo clan suddenly showed up. Yukari shouted, "Noooooooooooo! She was like my god-daughter!"

Ran pointed out, "Wait; in this fanon, if the Shrine still stands, the Boundary will remain in place. One of us is just gonna have to protect it until the Hakurei clan produces another-"

-A petal landed on the shrine and made it crumble into a million little pieces, then a petal landed on Yukari and killed her-

"-Heir?"

Chen cried, "Waaaagh! Yukari-babaa is dead!"

Ran stated, "I too am overcome with grief."

All of a sudden, Reimu came back. "What are you two doing here?"

Chen shouted, "REIMU-CHAAAAAAAAAN!" She hugged her tightly, "We thought you were deeeeeeeead!"

Reimu choked, "I was, but the Yama said I still had much to accomplish, so they let me ressurect. Or they said it was because I still had an extra life, I can't remember."

Ran asked, "Wait, what about Yukari?"

"She's out in the outside world right now, said something about wanting to get away from the weirdness of Gensokyo for a while."

* * *

><p>Cliche #2: Overuse memes.<p>

Reimu pointed out, "A franchise as popular as Touhou is bound to produce popular slogans among the fans."

Marisa noted, "However, many of these memes contradict canon, or are just plain irritating."

Reimu added, "Now, a few memes can be useful, especially if you're doing something non-serious. Even references to memes from other products of pop culture can add spice."

Marisa said, "But remember, too many whatevers spoil the broth. Watch what happens when you rely too much on memes."

* * *

><p>Alice was fuming because the ordinary witch stoled her precious things. Again. "Oh, how I hate you!" She snapped to herself. Then she suddenly had this adorable dreamy look on her face, "And yet, how your eyes make my heart melt!" Sparkles could be seen and heard around her, before she twisted her face, "Oh, who am I kiddingǃ? She's a monster in human's skin!" And then she looked adorable again, "And what gorgeous skin she has! Oh Mari-sama! How my heart flutters!"<p>

Elsewhere, Reimu showed up at the Moriya Shrine. Sanae was there, showing off her delicious miko armpits, despite the fact that doing so was in violation of Reimu's copyright, but that's not why the red-and-white girl was here. The visitor demanded, "Donations, please!"

Suwako showed up, "Don't try to drain her funds! Sanae is a good girl!"

Sanae scolded, "Don't butt in, Su-Wacko! I can handle myself!" She addressed Reimu, "I'm afraid I can't spare you any change, but I know saying that won't make you go away. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

Reimu said, "Let us settle our differences with an otaku's shooting game."

Sanae boasted, "So be it!" She drew out some cards, "I activate Esoterica: Gray Thaumaturgy, Wonder: Night With Bright Guest Stars, and Miracle: Miracle Fruit!" A huge number of danmaku formed around her.

Reimu pointed out, "Wait, did you just activate three spell cards simultaneously?"

Sanae answered, "Yeah, so?"

Reimu argued, "You can't use more than one spell card at a time! That's against the rules!"

Sanae countered, "Screw the rules! I have green hair!"

Reimu observed, "Yes, it's very lovely . . . wait! You can't go against the rules! I made them!"

Sanae exclaimed, "Baka Reimu! No one is above the spell cards rules, not even you!"

Reimu screamed, "URUSAI URUSAI!"

Sanae noted, "Wait, how the heck could you know about Shanaǃ? I'm the anime fan here!"

Reimu calmly answered, "Yukari told me. She likes to fool around like that."

Sanae said, "But still, you think my knowledge of anime could be a result of the Moriya Shrine Conspiracy?"

Reimu darkly warned, "Templates like that are forbidden."

Meanwhile, near the Scarlet Devil Mansion, it was night-time, and Remilia was going for a stroll outside. So were the Three Fairies. But the three fairies did something stupid, and had to scatter. Star, being the only smart one, got out in one piece, before Remilia spotted her.

The normally composed Remilia suddenly shouted, "CHARISMA BREAK!" She then said in a sickeningly sweet voice, "This faiwy is adowable! I'm gonna take her home with me!"

She grabbed Star and spun her around, like a RemiliStarCopter.

* * *

><p>Cliche #3: Portraying characters out of character<p>

Reimu started with, "Given the sketchy details within the canon, it's possible to interpret Touhou characters in many different ways, and yet still feel believable."

Marisa complemented with, "However, it's still possible to write us completely OOC. Even given the freedom of our franchise, it happens more often than we would care to admit."

Reimu continued, "OOC-ness can occur from many different methods: character worship, character bashing, oversimplification of characterization, moefication (see A Touhou Fanfiction About Nothing Part 4.5), sudden-uncharacteristic-awesomeness, and any others I might be forgetting. Now, in some stories, it's possible for the character to develop in such a way that may do something that would be OOC in the actual canon, but make perfect sense in a fanon.

Marisa spliced in, "But that is the exception, not the norm. Watch what happens when we butcher your precious loli darlings.

* * *

><p>Reimu was flying through Gensokyo, sealing every youkai she could find, "DIE THE DEATH! SENTENCE TO DEATH! GREAT EQUALIZER IS THE DEATH!" she bellowed.<p>

She happened to fly by Marisa, who was handing out money and food to passerbys.

Meanwhile, Flandre was stewing in the basement, "KILL! KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILL!"

Remilia came in, delivering some blood, "Sup, sis! Sa-koo-yuh got some hog's blood earlier, and-"

"-I AM NOT YOUR BOOTLICK!"

Remilia recoiled, "Dude, like, chill out! That berserker act is gettin' old, girl. You gotta be more like me, more up to date!"

Flandre hammed, "YOU TOLD ME THAT THE LAST TIME YOU CAME! STOP REPEATING YOUR NOISES ALREADY!"

Remilia reacted, "Ohmigawd, stop being so psycho!" She offered the blood, "I was just giving you your blood for the week. I'm gonna go somewhere else with less drama now."

Flandre dug into her offering, "BLOOD! _BLOOD!_ **BLOOD!** BLOOD!"

Elsewhere, Yuyuko was telling Youmu something, "Those rabbits in the Bamboo Forest were utterly _delicious!_ A shame they won't be able to live from now on."

Youmu replied, "I hear that!"

Elsewhere, in the Myouren temple, Byakuren was giving a speech, "Peace is a lie! Humans must be destroyed!"

Nazrin asked, "But Mother Hijiri, didn't you used to be a human a long time ag-"

-ZAP! "SILENCE!"

Lastly, Medicine Melancholy was speaking to herself, "Humans and youkai are such wonderful people, Su-san! Organisms are just as wonderful as constructs like me! I hope we can all get along, forever and ever!"

* * *

><p>The best cliche for last: make an OC of yourself stranded in Gensokyo.<p>

Reimu slurred, "Aaahhhhhhhhhh, yeeeeeeah. This is it, the most common cliche in Touhoudom. Tons of people have done it, few have done it correctly."

Marisa pointed out, "We know you wanna live in Gensokyo; lotsa people do. But, if you're gonna write a piece of fiction about it, you still have to apply storytelling conventions to it, otherwise, you'll end up looking stupid."

"And also, no human from the outside world is gonna learn magic to rival Ran in a matter of weeks! Oh, also, there are already two human characters in the actual canon who can already fill this role in: Maribel, and Renko. Why can't you use them more oftenǃ?"

Marisa then said, "Besides, do you know what would happen if a fanfic author really _did_ suddenly end up in Gensokyo?"

* * *

><p>(sigh) Another boring day is over. Maybe I can get some sleep. I slipped underneath my covers and fell asleep. A few hours went by. I couldn't remember what I am dreaming about, though. I then woke up, but, I wasn't in my bed. And these sheets were not mine, either. When my vision focused, the ceiling looked brown . . . and wooden.<p>

What the hell?

I heard a woman's voice say something, but I couldn't understand it. In a few more seconds, I saw a young woman's face look over me. She had long blonde hair (real blonde hair, too! Not that fake stuff I saw too much back in high school!) and smiled, "Hello!"

"Um, hello? Where am I?"

I then noticed this woman was wearing an elaborate white dress and long gloves. I've been kidnapped by a Victorian era fashionista, it would seem. She told me, "I'll explain in a moment. First, stand up."

I got up. I then noticed . . . _she had purple eyes_. Nice contacts, I must say. I asked, "Who might you be?"

She said, "Oh, where are my manners? I am Yukari Yakumo."

Wait, Yukari? That's a common girl's name . . . in Japan. Also, Yakumo sounds distinctly Japanese, but something's not right. "Really? Uh, try not to take offense, but you don't look Japanese at all. You look Caucasian." I think saying "White Chick" would be rude in this circumstance.

She laughed, "Oh, you silly little boy! Your concept of human ethnicities does not apply to me. I am not human."

" . . . Are you an alien?"

She laughed even more, "No, not at all! In my native language, I am called, 'youkai'."

" . . .Wait, youkai, like those things from Inuyasha? Ugh, why am I thinking about that? I hate that show!"

Yukari continued, "I can't think of an accurate translation of youkai into English, but think of me as a witch that cannot die by conventional means. Of course, I'm not a true 'Magician' in the sense that I have not mastered a ton of different magic, but think of me as a witch."

I did a doubletake, "Wait, witch? Magic? You saying those are real?"

She nodded.

I stammered, "Ah crap! I'm tripping balls! I'm speaking to a woman of the Far East with purple eyes and thinks magic is real!"

Yukari reminded me, "But it _is_ real. That's how I brought you here."

Right then, a woman in a white robe walked in. A woman . . . _with fox tails coming from her back?_ She said, "Oh, he's awake."

Yukari said, "He's all yours, now. I'm going to sleep." Yukari was then swallowed up by a portal that had ribbons on it. _What?_

The fox woman walked up to me. Her eyes were yellow . . . but I don't think those were contacts. She addressed me, "Welcome to Gensokyo."

" . . . Huh?"

"Gensokyo; in your native tongue, it would be translated as, 'Land of Illusion.' Think of this as Wonderland, but in a remote region of Nippon, or in your tongue, Japan. I am Ran, shikigami of Yukari."

I interrupted, "Wait, did you just say you're a shinigami?"

She shook her head, "No I'm not, but there are shinigami in Gensokyo." _Whoa._ "And yes, they know about Death Note." _Holy shit._ "But enough of that. I am a shi_ki_gami, one who is bound to another. I too am a youkai, though more specifically, a kitsune."

I said, "Wait, I know that one! You're a firefox!"

"Um, not quite. I was a fox with superpowers, yes, but these days, I find my human form more versatile." She cleared her throat, "But yes, everything you thought was make-believe in the outside is real in Gensokyo. Fairies, youkai, vampires, gods, magic, it's not fantasy here, it is a part of our daily lives. In fact, we even have catgirls."

Just then, I saw a little girl . . . with cat ears. But they didn't look like the cat ears you wore; they looked like her real ears. She started talking, but I couldn't understand her, Japanese, I guess? She and Ran discussed something. Ran turned to me, "This is Chen. She is my own shikigami. She doesn't know English yet, beyond simple phrases. Watch."

Chen looked at me, "Haro. Eet ees gud too meeta yee-uu."

I responded, "Uh, yeah, likewise."

She tilted her head, "Nani?" Hey, I understood that!

Ran spoke some more, then the catgirl ran off somewhere. Ran told me, "Stick with me. I can translate for you."

I asked, "Why? Are we going somewhere?"

She said, "We need to run some errands. Yukari has demanded that you come with me, and see Gensokyo for yourself."

I replied, "Okay, but why me?"

Ran stated, "She takes interests in humans from the outside world that fascinate her. You must've done something to catch her eye."

How does writing fanfics about characters from cult classic video games get the interest of someone like her? Regardless, Ran led me out of the house. I got to see this Gensokyo with my own eyes, and it was truly breathtaking. No pollution anywhere, the sky displayed many vibrant colors, and I could see wisps of light dancing in the distance. "Can you fly?" Ran questioned.

"Fly? No! I'm not a bird!"

She said, "I see." She then started to hover a few inches [Author's Note: Noticed that I used an imperial measurement just now? It's because I, being an American, wouldn't normally use metrics like any other time I would describe measurements in this series! File this one under Fringe Brilliance.] off the ground. "I'll try not to stray too far from you, then."

Whoa, she can fly! Okay, so I guess magic does exist. Then again, I suppose a fox woman would know how to do that. I walked and admired the scenery as Ran flew around me, making sure nothing caught me. I still couldn't get over how beautiful this place is. I couldn't help but say, "I feel like I'm living in a portrait."

"Nanoka~?" That was the last thing I ever heard.

. . .

I was standing in a courtroom. The judge was a woman . . . with green hair. (Never cared for green hair personally. I'm more partial to pink hair myself.) She ordered, "Name of OC, you have been judged that you are worthy to live again."

I responded, "Wait, what? Live again? Am I dead? Wait . . . does that mean you're God?"

She answered, "Yes, you are dead. No, I am not Kami-sama. I am Shikieiki Yamaxanadu." Cool name. "Based on my observation, you have not done enough for the world outside of Gensokyo yet. When you wake up, you will think this was nothing more than a dream."

. . .

I woke up, this time, in my bedroom. I have to remember _not_ to take my Mentats before bed. [Second Author's Note: Please don't request me to write Fallout fanfiction. I don't know enough about that series to do so properly, anyway.]

* * *

><p>Reimu said, "And that's all the cliches that we are tired of seeing!"<p>

Marisa added, "Or at least the ones we bothered to cover."

Reimu told the readers, "Just remember, when you put your fanfiction online, potentially, millions of people could read it. If you don't want to look stupid, make sure you know what you're doing."

Marisa commented, "Otherwise, you'll look like Cirno in our eyes, and that's the last thing you need from us." After that, the camera panned away, signaling the end of the program, or . . . if this were a video of some sort, that's how it would've ended.

[Third Author's Note: I have more ideas for my Touhou fanfics, however, I want to wait until the retail version of Ten Desires comes out. It may influence my fanfics greatly, including the direction I'll take Touhou Omake in for part 3. So I say sit tight and wait until that comes out before I publish anything else Touhou-related.]


	3. Mima Returns

Omake #3: Mima Returns.

[Author's Note: You see it every time a new Touhou game comes out, "When's Mima coming back? When's Mima coming back?" It makes sense; she was the most regular PC-98 character that has yet to return, and Alice and Yuka had less screen time than her, and they returned, with Alice becoming more popular (at least in sheer number of appearances) than Mima and Yuka. Oh, but it has become a tiresome cliche, nonetheless. I have my own theory as to why Mima doesn't show up in the Windows era, that theory having been outlined in my own Mentor & Protege fanfic. But . . . what if . . . Mima made a comeback in the recent Ten Desires? Let's take a look.]

Before Youmu left for the plane of the living, she asked her mistress, "Yuyuko-sama, what do you make of these spirits?"

Yuyuko pondered, "I would wager that they are acting under a troublesome individual."

Elsewhere in the world, the wayward spirits had gathered . . . somewhere. There was a flash. An opening into the earth appeared. Out came . . . a woman with long green hair, wearing a blue dress, and sporting no legs, but rather, a ghostly body. "Ahhhhh! At last, after ten thousand years, I am _free!_ It's time to conquer Earth!"

A spirit corrected, "Uh, no, Mima-sama. You've only been down there for thirteen years, not-"

"-SILENCE!" A blue fireball incinerated the ghost. "It felt like ten thousand years to me, ten thousand years I could've spent exacting harsh retribution. Come! Let us make with the naked acts of villainy!"

At this exact moment, Yukari awoke. She teleported to where Ran was, "Ran, Mima has escaped from Old Hell! Assemble a team of teenagers with attitude!"

Ran paused, " . . . Why do they have to have attitude?"

Yukari grumbled, "They don't _have_ to have attitude. I just say that because it sounds cool. Now go!"

Following her command, Ran gathered the most powerful teenagers in Gensokyo.

"Fantasy Heaven!" Reimu Hakurei, child of a prestigious clan of miko, inheritor of the Hakurei Yin-Yang Orbs.

"Master Spark!" Marisa Kirisame, self-taught human witch with the ability to mimic spells from others.

"Yasaka Divine Wind!" Sanae Kochiya, demigoddess wind priestess with an extensive collection of shoujo manga.

"200 Yojana in 1 Slash!" Youmu Konpaku, half-human half-ghost swordswoman who . . . wait! She's not a teenager!

Yukari pointed out, "I know Youmu looks like she's a few months shy of entering teen hood by human standards, but she's decades older than the others! And . . . looks younger than all of us, too."

Marisa noted, "Hey, you're right. Just how old are you, Youmu? I know half-ghosts age more slowly, but what?"

Youmu closed her eyes, "Have you ever been told that it is impolite to ask a woman's age?"

Yukari giggled, "You do take after Yuyuko, I must say. Even if she's not a teenager . . . with attitude, the truth is, we still need all the help we can get to combat the threat of Mima. Reimu and Marisa know about her, Marisa especially."

Sanae raised her hand, "Um, Yukari-san, if you and Ran-san are super duper powerful, why don't you fight Mima instead? Why delegate to us?"

Everyone in the room stared ice cold stares at the priestess. Yukari broke the ice, "You really don't understand how Gensokyo works, do you, outsider? My closest friends and I provide sanctuary for the magically inclined. In response, I expect you to make sure life here doesn't end up like it was when I was younger."

Sanae asked, "What was life like when you were younger?"

More icy cold stares. Yukari filled in, "You really wanna know what Gensokyo was like when I was your mental age? Okay, Sana-_chan_, let me ask you this; what's a work of fiction that is notorious for being dark in tone and execution?"

Sanae thought, "Well, Gundam Zeta, single Zeta, was famous for that. Aaaaand, Final Fantasy 6, compared to its predecessors, and-"

"-It's basically like those. The only reason there are even humans still in Gensokyo is because greater youkai such as Ran and I were merciful enough to not ruthlessly slaughter every last human when we had the chance. I would prefer not to have to make another hard decision for some time, and I'm sure the other residents of this island wouldn't either, so that is why I want you all to stop Mima before she screws everything up."

Afterwards, the four flew off. They took out lesser youkai and spirits on their way. In-between that, Sanae asked, "So Marisa-san, how do you know Mima?"

What followed was a long infodump from Reimu and Marisa, an infodump that would've spoiled the story of Mentor & Protege in doing so, had the author printed it. By the end, Sanae was in shock. "Wow. That's so . . . so, I can't find words to describe that. I'm sorry that all happened."

Youmu chipped in, "Likewise."

The four of them flew around, zapping spirits, until they found the culprit. Mima was flying high, holding her scepter. When the girls (with attitude) approached her, she exclaimed, "We meet again, Reimu and Marisa! I see you made some new friends in my absence!"

Marisa, in an even rarer display of emotion, looked on the brink of tears, "Mima-sama, is that really you?"

Mima replied, "Of course it's me! Oh, but don't expect a welcoming party! You may've warmed my heart all those years ago, but thirteen years in isolation turned that warmth into animosity!"

Marisa espoused, "But Mima-sama, I wasn't ever interested in taking over the world! I just wanted to learn magic!"

Mima responded, "It was a mistake bringing you into my fold. I see you and Reimu haven't changed much. Reimu is still the girl who does nothing unless Gensokyo is threatened, and tries to be friends with everyone, while you are still only interested in becoming, what were your words? 'The bestest witch in the history of ever?' Neverminding how your family must think of your actions? Pathetic!" She glanced at Sanae, "And you, what's your angle?"

Sanae answered, "I'm a demigoddess from the outside world! Unlike Reimu-san, I actually have a god at my shrine, and I get worshipers! And I love killing youkai, since I can do so without guilt! Also fantasy nerd."

Mima then glared at Youmu, "And you?"

Youmu bowed, "I am a hand for Yuyuko-sama. My existence is half-alive, and half-dead. I am trained in the ways of the samurai, and I am also the most stereotypically Japanese character in the entire franchise."

Mima responded, "Wow! That's quite the . . . _four girl ensemble_ you've got there, ha ha ha! See, I'm not the only one who knows about TvTropes."

* * *

><p>Elsewhere, not too far from them, goofy-sounding music was playing in the background as Cirno, Sunny, Luna, and Star watched the girls having a conversation with Mima. Cirno addressed the other fairies, "Now is our time! No longer will we be the laughingstock of Gensokyo! No longer will be perceived as ineffectual tricksters! We will prove ourselves as true of guardians of this land as those girls wth attitude! Now follow my lead!"<p>

Cirno and the fairies charged at Mima, with danmaku a-blazing. Mima saw the fairies out of the corner of her eye, pointed her scepter at them and shouted, "Twilight Spark!" A gigantic green beam blasted them out of the sky. [Should I start a Cirno Owned Count for my Omake stories? That's the second time now. Third time if you count my other Touhou fics.]

Reimu realized, "Oh that's right! Mima doesn't know the spell card system!"

Mima questioned, "The what system?"

Reimu stated, "The spell card system. Unlike last time, you can't just shoot someone out of thin air. You have to declare a duel, and the other party has to accept. And more potent spells must be declared via spell cards, so that way, you can't spam a more powerful attack forever and ever. For blasting those fairies like that, I could have you sealed into oblivion, and no one would object."

Mima smiled, "Isn't that what you were going to do, anyway?"

"Maybe."

Mima fired off blue flames, "Then let us begin!"

The fight started, with Mima using no spell cards. Early in the duel, Mima observed, "I see you can fly by yourself now, Reimu. So did you finally turn your turtle into soup?"

Reimu exclaimed, "No! Genji is a dear friend of mine! That's completely out of the question!"

The battle continued on, with no victor in sight. Mima then noticed, "It seems I shouldn't be holding back." There was a bright flash. Mima was now sporting demon wings, "There, that's better."

Marisa snickered, "Oh come on! Your true form isn't _that_ much stronger! We'll still end this!"

"Try me!"

The fight continued. There was still no victor. Sanae said, "How did you beat her last time?"

Reimu said, "We _didn't_."

"She's right." Said a mysterious new voice.

HERE COMES A NEW CHALLENGER!

Yet another green-haired woman showed up. Marisa complained, "Geez! It's like everyone in Gensokyo has either some shade of green or yellow for their hair, myself included!"

Mima looked at the new challenger, "Nice to see you again, Yuka. Have you too come to try to perform some act of heroic defiance?"

Yuka said, "Not really. I was just observing how these girls aren't hurting you in the slightest. It's because they're using the spell card rules, while you're not. They're playing touch, when you're playing tackle. Fortunately for them, I also don't use spell cards."

Mima countered, "But you just said you weren't-"

Yuka had split into two bodies and fired two Yuka-Brand Master Sparks at Mima. Mima shouted, "Curses! Foiled again!"

The girls with attitude were astonished. Sanae complemented, "Wow! Thanks so much!"

Yuka responded, "What? I didn't do this for you; I only did that because I owed her. Now if you'll excuse me, I have more things to eradicate. Ta ta~!" She flew off.

Reimu thought of something, "Hey Sanae, maybe you were right when you questioned the hag about who should stop Mima. None of us could do anything, yet someone like Yuka, a renegade even amongst youkai, could vaporize her with no effort. Why did Yukari even make us do this to begin with?"

The blonde woman teleported into the scene, "Because I'm deliciously loopy, mm-hmm-hmm-hmm!"

Reimu formed a fist, "If you knew Mima could only be beaten by someone without spell cards, why even make us do this to begin withǃ?"

Yukari grinned, "Because by now, you must surely be tired, sore all over. It'll help you all appreciate the onsen even more! I reserved a time slot for all of you in the human village onsen; be sure to bond well now!"

Marisa groaned, "Oh god; is Yukari trying to set up romantic and/or sexual subtext between us, ze? I mean, I like being able to use the onsen, but this sounds fishy-"

"-Stop complaining!" Reimu interrupted, "I'm not letting this opportunity pass me up!"

* * *

><p>Reimu, Marisa, Sanae, and Youmu were in an indoor hot spring, wearing nothing, though they were only visible from the neck up. (So don't get any ideas!) The four of them felt relaxed, and enjoyed the feel of the water on their bodies, that was until Marisa asked, "So Sanae, how come you got bigger boobs than us?"<p>

Sanae blushed, "Oh, um, maybe it's the food I ate in the outside world? I loved all the different Western foods sold in my hometown, which seem hard to come by here in Gensokyo, maybe that's it? Oh wait, what about Youmu-san? She's still growing. In a few years, she might surpass us in two of the three sizes!"

Youmu herself blushed, "I . . . do not wish to comment."

Reimu voiced, "Oh come on, it's not like those things determine your loveliness. My boobs and butt are tiny, yet I'm frequently described as beautiful. I think it's my face that attracts everyone."

Youmu said, "Perhaps. I am in the same boat."

All Marisa was thinking was, _Western foods, eh?_

Elsewhere, in the Forest of Magic, Daiyousei was flying about spiritfully, when Cirno and the Three Fairies showed up, all with singed hair and clothes, "Oh, how was your mission?" Daiyousei asked.

Sunny fumed, "We would've saved the day if Cirno hadn't rushed Mima like an idiot!"

Cirno narrowed her eyes, "Hey! I told you not to use that word!"

Sunny argued, "Well maybe if I had used my light-altering ability, we could've actually gotten somewhere, instead of ending up like fried fairy wings!"

Luna added, "Or maybe if we had attacked in the night, I could've actually done something instead of looking like beam fodder in front of Gensokyo's Finest!"

Star interrupted, "Peoples, peoples! That's not true! Sunny's right; if I were in charge, we wouldn't have gone Leeroy Jenkins on someone like her! I would've ordered something more sensible!"

Cirno reprimanded, "And this, coming from someone who went along with me, not questioning my leadership at all? Such hindsight you have there!"

"Quiet, you!"

"Shut up, shut up!"

"Silence!"

The fairies all started shooting at each other.

ALTERNATE ENDING

The battle between Mima and the girls with attitude continued with no victor in sight. Sanae broke in, "I know just how to end this stalemate!" She reached for her cellphone and speed-dialed a number, "Nitori-san, it's . . . showtime!"

In the distance, a steam-powered mechanical man, towering over much of Gensokyo, ran in their direction. Sanae flew into the head of this robot. Nitori, Kanako, Suwako, Momiji, and now Sanae were manning the control center inside of the head.

[Nitori] Kappa ingenuity!

[Kanako] The blessing of wind!

[Suwako] The blessing of earth!

[Momiji] The pride of the Tengu!

[Sanae] And fusion of human and goddess spirit!

[All five] ALL TOGETHER, WE ARE THE GUARDIANS OF YOUKAI MOUNTAIN! HISOUTENSOKU, GO!"

Reimu brought up, "Wait a second, wait a second! Hisoutensoku was never a giant robot! It was an advertising balloon!"

Nitori said, "Don't tell that to the fanboys!"

The robot then crushed Mima. "Curses! Foiled again!" She managed.

Everyone (except Reimu and Youmu) danced a victory jig. Then Yukari showed up, "Excellent work on Mima, Sanae. You've proven yourself far more competent than these other girls." She looked at Reimu, Marisa, and Youmu, "You're all fired. Reimu, your family's no longer in charge of the Boundary. I'm changing the Greater Hakurei Boundary to The Greatest Yasaka Boundary, and the Boundary will now be anchored at their shrine, not yours."

Kanako shouted, "Yes! We finally won!"

Reimu, unperturbed by this, asked, "Can I still keep my orbs?"

Yukari said, "Sure, who cares by this point? As for Marisa, don't feel responsible for dealing with Incidents anymore."

Marisa chuckled, "Ha! It's not like I had any responsibility to begin with!"

Yukari smiled, "Heh! As I expected. As for you, Youmu, you don't have to treat me as some second-in-command only to Yuyuko; just treat me like anyone else."

Youmu bowed, "If that is what you desire, Yukari-san, then I will honor your request."

Yukari was then startled, "Whatǃ? Aren't any of you the least bit upset that I now am putting all of my stock on the Moriya now instead of all of you?"

Reimu countered, "Hell no. I can seek a boyfriend now if I don't have to be a shrine maiden anymore."

Marisa smiled, "And I don't have to solve Incidents unless forced to!"

Youmu said, "And answering to the will of one whimsical woman is tasking enough; _two_ such women is pushing it."

Yukari formed an awkward smile, "Is that how it is, huh? Well . . . that didn't go as well as I planned . . ." _I fail at trolling!_ "Well in any case, Youkai Mountain Ladies, assemble at the Moriya Shrine; we're gonna have ourselves a par-tay!"

"HAI!"

Sometime later, Reimu moved back into the human village, and the Hakurei Shrine became a dilapidated relic of a bygone era. Marisa and Youmu were still doing their thing, (namely, being crazy awesome) albeit with less interference from the Yakumo clan now.

As for the Moriya Shrine? It was now the most happenin' place in Gensokyo! It was the number one hotspot for kappa and tengu to throw parties, and Sanae had replaced Reimu in every way, for better and worse.

One day, the green-haired girl was sweeping the walks, when Yukari gapped in. "Now Sanae, since you, not Reimu, have become the apple of my eye, I must subject you to subtext between us!"

Sanae became nervous, "How so?"

Yukari smiled, "Remember how Suwako said the last child she had that was as attractive as you was your great-grandmother? Well, let's just say I agree with her. Not only that, unlike Reimu, you actually have hill formations!" She then pulled out a cell phone and switched on the camera mode, "I must take pictures!"

"Ehhhhhǃ? NOOOOOOO! Pervert, pervert!"

Suwako appeared, "Stop complaining, Sana-chan! It's good publicity! And if you're not gonna take advantage of the fact that you have a cute butt, when will you? When you're old and sagging? Not on my watch! Now strike a pose for the kind youkai lady!"

Yukari started snapping pictures while Sanae thought, _now I know what Mikuru Asahina goes through. If only I hadn't summoned that giant mecha._


	4. Legend of the Four Devas

Omake #4: The Four Devas' Excellent Journey.

[Author's Note: In the games, the oni characters Suika and Yugi are said to be two of the four Devas of the Mountain. What these Devas are, or what the mountain is, or who the other two Devas are, have yet to be elaborated. Some people think that Kasen Ibara is the third Deva, and the fourth is Konngara, the final boss of The Hightly Responsive To Prayers. Based on what little information we know, I spun an omake in the form of a documentary.]

The Four Devas, a film by Aya Shameimaru. (Ignore the fact that I only have text to convey this to you.)

Ages ago, four oni from the underworld made a journey to prove their worth. These oni were driven by their quest for glory, pride and a good time. There were four of them: Suika Ibuki, Yugi Hoshiguma, Kasen Ibaraki, and Konngara.

Suika is perhaps the most famous of the four. She is by far the smallest. "I got the oni equivalent of proportionate dwarfism. I'm tinier than the others, lacking height and limb length, not to mention bodyfat in certain places. It's like my body stopped growing earlier than everyone else's, yet I still have more muscles than you Tengu could ever dream."

Suika owns a purple gourd that contains sake that never runs out. I took a look at the gourd; it's not bottomless, yet can generate an infinite amount of (rather sweet) rice wine. Suika would not divulge how she came into possession of her gourd, but she takes it everywhere she goes, using it whenever she can't get a drink from someone else. She is also known to use it in battle, "It never breaks! That's another great thing about it!"

The second Deva, Yugi, is nearly a complete contrast in terms of appearance. She towers over Suika, and even without her geta sandals, she is nearly two meters in height. "I'm the one closest to conventional standards of beauty on the surface." She explained, running her fingers through her long platinum hair, "So whenever I wasn't pulverizing anything, I also acted as the seductress."

Yugi can use a power called, "the power over mysterious powers and disrupting spirits." Despite my repeated questioning, I was unable to ascertain what exactly this was; not even Yugi seemed to know. "Look, all I know is I love fighting, and I love partying, and that's all that matters."

The third member, Kasen, was the most surprising. She had become a hermit and moved to live on the surface. She shaved her horns down to a nub which she covers over with white Chinese hair buns. Unlike the other oni, her status as a hermit removed her dependency on alcohol; this was evident by the fact that her eyes followed me more easily, and she had a steadier gait, "Such is the benefit of becoming a hermit."

Her right arm is covered entirely in white bandages. Nothing is underneath them, except for black smoke that has taken the shape of a humanoid arm. Through this, she can extinguish dangerous spirits by merely touching them, "Though I would only use this on evil spirits, those who had lived unrepentant lives of sin." She is of moderate build, and even without her smoke arm and hermit strength, she possesses considerable physical prowess.

The last Deva is the most mysterious, Konngara. She is nearly as tall as Yugi, but other than that, not much else is known of her. Curiously, she does not reside in the Old Hell that most Gensokyan oni do, but rather, lives in Jigoku. "I like the company of evil spirits more, just don't tell Kasen that."

One interesting thing I learned was that she met Reimu Hakurei when the latter was still a child. "She sealed me into Jigoku, not that it made any difference." When I tried to ask her how she broke out into the Hell of the other oni, she threatened my life.

The story began back before Suika came to live on the surface. She and Yugi were at a bar, singing and dancing loudly with other oni. That was until Konngara entered, "Whoa, Konngara!" Said the little oni, "What are ya doin' way out here?"

Konngara marched up to Suika, leaving indents on the floor with her feet. She stared into her eyes, "I have a challenge for you, Ibuki."

Suika laughed, "Heh! What?"

Konngara answered, "No flying, unarmed only, Youkai Mountain Peak."

There was a collective gasp from the other attendants. Suika's confident smile faded away, "Wait, are you issuing what I think you're issuing?"

Konngara stated, "Do I need to repeat myself? Do I need to clean out your ears? I wanna see you go to Youkai Mountain Peak without flying, without weapons, no usage of any magic whatsoever."

Suika boasted, "Ha! That's nothing for me!"

A bystander shouted, "But, no one has _ever_ gone to Youkai Mountain Peak without flying!"

Suika declared, "Well it's time to rewrite history cuz I'm gonna be the first!"

"Hey wait!" Yugi interrupted, "Why haven't you issued that challenge to me too? I could just as easily do no flying, unarmed only, Youkai Mountain Peak if I wanted to! If anything, I'd be better suited for the task! I'm stronger, I'm older, and wiser than Suika!"

"I'm not so sure about that wiser part." Suika whispered.

This was followed by a punch that sent Suika flying out a window, "Don't you start with me, you little-"

"-Enough!" A new voice cried out.

Suika stood up, "Oh! Kasen! Long time no see!"

Kasen stood resolute, "It was a good thing I came back here; all this brawling over bragging rights? Downright shameful! There is nothing to be gained from such a venture! You should focus your energy on something more worthwhile."

Suika muttered, "You're right. I'll focus on asking questions." She looked (though knowing her, it was more "looked in the general direction of") at Konngara and asked, "Have _you_ accomplished no flying, unarmed only, Youkai Mountain Peak?"

Konngara remained silent.

Suika then added, "Or should I beat the answer outta you?" She was about to lunge into Konngara when-

"-I have not. But then again, no one has."

Suika stated, "I notice you try to pass yerself off as some kinda badass, but tell me this; can you call yourself a badass if you haven't done the challenge yourself? And what of Yugi? You know she'll go along with anything I do, if there's brawling and noisemaking involved, and knowing how the surface dwellers are, I wouldn't rule out the possibility. How 'bout this: all three of us attempt the challenge. As we know, no one, not even of our proud lineage, has accomplished going to the peak of Youkai Mountain alone, without magic, without danmaku, and lived to tell about it. But if we were to pool our strength . . . well, really, I just wanna do this now so I can piss off Kasen, I figure three of us doing something 'foolish' is bound to get her dander up."

Kasen interjected, "If you really intend to do this, you will need a mediator, someone to make sure you don't break any of the rules, and that someone could be me."

Suika laughed, "A ha ha! You hear thisǃ? Kasen wants to go along with us!"

Yugi asked, "Can she?"

Suika said, "Sure, if Konngara's okay with it."

Konngara stated, "Yes. However, you must follow the rules yourself: no magic, no weapons other than your own body parts, no flying, nothing of the sort."

Kasen said, "I agree. However, I will still need to perform my sutra chants throughout the day. Will you permit that?"

Suika replied, "Sure, we'll let you do whatever you need to maintain your hermit-ness, but anything other than that counts as magic, and here's another rule! If one person breaks a rule, that disqualifies _everyone!_ Don't screw this up!"

And so then, for the next two days, the four oni prepared for their long, arduous trek. They had assembled food, clothing, tent material, and other assorted items to aid them in their quest. However, anything that was of a magical nature was forbidden, including Suika's gourd. Ibuki would not part with the gourd, however, Kasen agreed to point out if anyone were to use the gourd for anything, it would disqualify everyone, so it was effectively nothing more than decor for the leader of the expedition.

Once the preparations were finalized, the four took off. The path through the underground was short and nothing difficult. Once they hit the surface, they were greeted by sunlight. "Ugh! I hate the sun!" Yugi groaned while shielding her eyes.

"Me too." Konngara added.

Suika mouthed, "Pfft. Crybabies. This is nuthin' compared to what lies ahead!"

Youkai Mountain itself wasn't too far away from the entrance to Old Hell. The only real problem was the throngs of lesser youkai that inhabited the way there. Which then began attacking the four oni. "Gah! I can't fly!" Suika observed, as she was getting pelted by danmaku.

"This isn't fair! My kicks can't reach fairies that are flying!" Yugi yelled.

Kasen ordered, "Everyone, focus on defense! We're just gonna have to grin and bear it!"

Everyone ran past the fairies' barrage. Once they got past that, a sinister smile could be seen on Konngara's lips, although only Kasen noticed.

The four arrived at the foot of Youkai Mountain. It is here that the presence of the tengu can be first seen, for there are usually guards around the base of the mountain to protect it from intruders. And sure enough, Momiji Inubashiri, a white wolf tengu, was standing guard. As the four approached, Momiji drew her sword, "Halt! No intruders allowed! Especially not oni!"

Suika said, "Hey look, a real authentic wolf youkai!"

Momiji shouted, "Silence! I am not youkai! I am a tengu, and you will acknowledge me as such!"

Yugi threw up her arms, "Oh, come on! Everyone knows that 'Gensokyan Tengu' are really just an alliance of crow and wolf youkai who think they're better than everyone else. Everyone knows true tengu are red and have pointy noses; biggest joke in all of Asia! Too bad you can't fool us!"

Kasen tried to interject, "I don't think angering a sentry is a good idea-"

"-I've dealt with your kind before." Momiji interrupted, "You think with just words you can incite me to violence. Such cowardice! If you wanna fight me, then just issue a duel already!"

Suika looked puzzled, "Issue a duel? Uh, hmm. Can't use anything other than . . . ha! That's it!" She looked at (the general direction of) Momiji and exclaimed, "Well then, if tengu like you are so awesome, then how 'bout you fight me, one on one, but with no weapons, no magic, no danmaku, just your limbs and nuthin' else?"

Momiji laughed, "Ha! You think I'm stupid enough to throw down my sword just to fight you? It's pretty obvious you're trying to trick me to do something. Go back the way you came right now before-"

"-Listen, wolfie." Konngara interrupted, "There are four of us, and one of you. We are going through no matter what. Now, you can do this the easy way, and just let us pass. All we're here for is to climb to the top of this mountain, with no magic and no weapons. If you let us through, we'll make you a part of history."

Momiji glared at the dark-haired oni. She then responded, "You won't survive climbing to the peak without magic. Go on ahead, march into your death, for only then will you all stop being such a nuisance."

"Alright!" Suika screamed. The four proceeded past the wolf guard. The path up Youkai Mountain was not too difficult, for while there were a few meddlesome fairies, they did not cause too much damage. Also, some of them fell victim to Yugi's powerful kicks. By nightfall, the four set up a camp. Kasen was outside the tent reciting sutras, while Suika, Yugi, and Konngara were sitting around a campfire, drinking from a bottle they shared. Suika took a swig, "Ahhhh! It's nice to have something other than sake for once! Say, what is this again?" She looked at the bottle, "I can't read these letters."

"Lemme see that!" Yugi boasted. She looked, "Uhh . . . definitely not an Eastern alphabet."

Konngara looked, "I can't make out all the letters, but I can definitely tell you that this is whiskey."

Yugi said, "Ah, whiskey! I thought it tasted familiar! But aren't you gonna drink anymore?"

Konngara resigned, "No. I prefer to not go over a limit per day. I don't wanna end up like you two."

Suika complained, "Oh, come on! We're oni! We can handle alcohol better than any other race! You ever see humans when they're drunk? They can't even speak coherently! If a human drank as much whiskey as I have right now, they'd black out and mumble incoherently about how much they hate life!"

Konngara stated, "That may be so, but on this journey, we mustn't waste our resources. We should be more like Kasen."

Yugi mouthed, "And what? Chide everyone who does something wrong? Pfft! Like _that_ will ever happen!"

The night continued as the four slept. In the morning after, the four oni had packed up their tent and continued hiking up Youkai Mountain. They had little difficulty on this leg on the journey: few fairies, no wolfs, that was until Suika noted, "Uh oh." She felt her knapsack, "I don't feel anymore liquor."

Yugi filled in, "You mean, you didn't bring anything other than that bottle of whiskey?"

"No! I thought we'd be done by now!"

Yugi grabbed her forehead, "Idiot! We're not even halfway there yet! All of us except for Kasen is gonna go berserk if we don't get any booze without cheating!"

Konngara added, "She's right. We should be approaching the 'Tengu' village soon, so maybe we can procure some drinks there. I don't want to resort to the gourd either. We've come this far, haven't we?"

An hour or so later, they had arrived to my birthplace, and the home of Lord Tenma. (Tenma-sama is also acceptable.) Suika stated, "Ah, I can smell the sweet scent of sake in the air! Our luck hasn't run out yet!"

The moment they set foot into the village, a crow shouted, "I see ONI!"

A throng of crow and wolf tengu came flying forth, firing danmaku at the foursome. Yugi said, "This could be really great if I could counterattack with bullets of my own, _but I caaaan't!_"

Kasen ordered, "Fall back!"

The oni retreated a good distance away from the town. As they were catching their breath, Yugi said, "Okay, walking in there didn't work." She made a sly face, "But then again, I brought an extra set of clothes for a reason."

Later in the evening, Suika went back into the town alone. There weren't as many tengu out on the streets. A few stragglers spotted her, but she was able to knock them out with her fist. She then found the tavern and entered. Many crows and wolfs were drunk and rowdy, "Hey! It's that oni again!"

Before they could rush her, another one of the patrons asked, "Ain'tcha a little young to be out here all alone?"

Suika walked straight up to that person, grabbed him, and suplexed him. She announced, "Anyone else wanna insult me, or do you wanna hear what I have to say?"

The patrons were silent.

"Okay. You see, I'm an agent, a modeling agent to be more precise. I was passing by with one of my clients, the Blaze of the Underworld. You surely saw her, the one with long sandy hair? That's her. We were just gonna continue our publicity tour, but you stopped us. Then we figured out why, you wanna see more of her! I mean, why wouldn't you? Her eyes crimson like fire, her legs impossibly long, her teeth fang-y and awesome, not to mention her fat butt and boobs that guys won't shut up about. Why, here she is now!"

And from another doorway stood Yugi, but instead of wearing her usual white shirt with red-and-blue skirt, she was wearing a blue kimono, albeit one that showed off her massive cleavage. The men stared in awe. Yugi put on a playful smile, "Hello, everyone. Would you like to spend an evening with me?"

The (unmarried) men all nodded, or whooped and hollered. She continued, "Then you have to beat me at a few contests. Feel up to it?"

More hooting and hollering.

Yugi told the crowd, "Well first, you gotta beat me at arm wrestling." She flexed her arm, "Think any of you are up to it?"

Despite her massive size, several tengu took up her challenge. While the patrons were distracted, miniature Suikas went around, taking all of the drinks. Konngara snuck around outside and found a barrel of alcohol.

One by one, Yugi defeated the male patrons at arm wrestling, yet the men couldn't stop, for they found her body that alluring. During the arm wrestling, Kasen came in and casually told Yugi, "We have to be going soon. Aya promised us a shoot tomorrow, remember?"

Yugi's eyes perked up, "Oh, sorry everyone! I have a career to take care of! It's unfortunate that none of you won, but then again, you probably would've lost my drinking contest also, sooooo, bye!"

The men were incensed, but their lust prevented them from pursuing the blonde oni out of the village. On the other side of town, Suika and Konngara were waiting. "We scored big time!" Suika declared, "And we made it to the other side with no problem!"

Kasen remarked, "I only hope we don't have to do anything like that again."

Later that night, the four set up another campsite. Suika, Yugi, and Konngara were gathered around the fire, eating their meal, and about to crack open the barrel Konngara 'procured'. With their drinking bowls full, the three cheered, and took a sip, only to wretch right afterward, "Yuck! What is this?"

"I . . . think this is beer, but, this has gotta be the nastiest beer I've ever drank!"

"Guh! I can't agree more! What's wrong with the tengu's beer?"

Suika looked in ponderment, "Wait . . . I've had this before. One time when I was at Yukari's, she showed me beer from the outside world. Most of it was very good, but there was this one kind the humans referred to as, 'lite beer'. It was _disgusting!_ This is what this tastes like!"

Yugi looked confused, "Wait . . . lite beer? Like how? Light in taste? Light in content?"

"Usually lighter in alcohol, and calories."

Konngara said, "Calories? What, are the tengu watching their weight?"

Suika threw up her arms, "Humans and most youkai don't have metabolisms like us, and the only other legit booze we got was some sake I slipped into the whiskey bottle, but we should save that for an emergency. So, until we finish this, we'll have to drink this not for flavor, but for substinence!"

"No way!" Yugi complained, "No way I'm drinking anymore of this!" She threw away her bowl.

Suika said, "Well, I can drink the beer if I need to. Can you too, Konngara?"

"Sure. I don't like to drink too much, remember?"

Suika stated, "Okay then, Yugi, you can have the sake, since you're more sensitive than us."

Yugi creased her forehead, "It's not sensitivity. It's just I have standards."

The next morning, the four oni continued uphill. The path still kept going up and up. The foursome spotted a new obstacle; a strange set of structures being managed by kappa. "Kappa? What are they doing way up here?" Suika thought aloud, "There's no water here!"

Kasen said, "We can't fly, so we'll have to pass by them no matter what. Whatever you do, no one start anything unless absolutely necessary, and I mean it; don't even talk unless if it's necessary."

The four went by the structures, only for the kappa to panic, "Gah! Oni! What are they doing hereǃ?"

"Call security!"

"Cheese it!" Suika yelled.

They tried to run away from Danmaku fire, but got hit repeatedly. "Ow Ow! I am hurting!" Yugi blurted out.

The four were semi-incapacitated when the kappa dragged them out of their compound, "Stay away from our weather station!" One of them ordered.

Suika mumbled, "But we just wanted to climb to the top of the mountain without using any magic."

One of the kappa laughed, "Climb to the top of Youkai Mountain without magic? That's absurd! The path you've been traveling on doesn't go on for much longer. After that, it's nothing but sheer rocky cliffside. You have to fly to get up there."

Yugi boasted (weakly) "But we're oni! We can scale what other people can't!"

A kappa laughed, "Ha! Even if you are incredibly strong, it'll do you no good against the hillside! Go on, try it, and fall to your deaths!"

But before the oni left, Suika asked them, "Before we move on, uh, you see, me and my associates drank some liquor last night, and uh, you got a lavatory?"

A kappa replied, "Sure. There's a women's room right around this cor-"

The oni was out of sight. Moments later, Suika emerged and complained, "I had to drink so much of that lameass excuse for beer just to get a proper buzz. Maybe I should learn to moderate like you, Konngara."

"Good luck with that." Konngara stated.

The four oni went past the weather station. Within a moment, the path came to an end, and the only way up was from scaling the rocks above the four oni. Suika told the others, "Many have looked down upon us for attempting this quest. They say it can't be done. Well we're about to prove them wrong, but before we go, Yugi, do you still have any sake left?"

She answered, "A little bit."

Suika continued, "Good. Konngara, we won't be needing the lite beer anymore."

"Understood." Konngara threw the barrel of lite beer and kicked it away down the hillside, spilling carb-friendly beer over the rocks.

The three of them finished off the sake while Kasen did warm-up exercises. Suika then said, "We have come to the greatest challenge of our lives. This here will determine who is right and who is wrong. We have no tools but our own bodies. Trust your instincts; trust your heart. And now . . . we climb!"

One by one, the four oni began climbing the cliffside, defying gravity in doing so. "Stop getting rocks in my face!" Yugi said.

"Don't climb directly below me!"

They continued to struggle, against the mountain winds and slippery formations. Every now and then, one of them would lose grip and nearly fall, but luck was on their side, until, "What?"

The entire rim of the mountain was surrounded by what looked like sideways stalactites poking out, rendering it impossible to climb past. Suika said, "No problem! I'll just punch a hole through it!" She got underneath one of the stalactites and started punching it as hard as she could. Despite her oni strength, it didn't budge. "Guh! My knuckles are gonna get bloody at this rate! Any of you wanna try?"

Yugi answered, "Can't. Fingers too sore."

Kasen pointed out, "There's a ledge over there. Let's rest for now."

The four descended on the conveniently-placed ledge. They caught their breath when Yugi asked, "Are any of the other ones weaker, or did they all feel strong?"

"All of them felt more solid than brick. We'll never get to the top."

Kasen observed, "That seems likely. I circled around, and could find no openings. Perhaps this is why the legend exists, for there's an all-natural barrier here?"

Yugi pleaded, "But we can't stop now! We're so close! I can taste it!"

Suika looked at Konngara, "You got any ideas?"

"None."

Suika then slammed her fist into the mountainside, "Damn it! We almost did it, too!"

Kasen mentioned, "Personally, I didn't want to do this to begin with. There was nothing to be gained from this, except for perhaps maybe memories of a good time, but now, even I am stumped as to what to do next."

The four sat in silence, pondering. Suika sighed, then broke the silence, "You know what? Let's _not_ go to Youkai Mountain peak." She took out her gourd-

-"Wait!" Yugi shouted. She dashed to stop the miniature oni, but Suika turned to mist before she could be tackled. Yugi fell down the cliffside . . . before flying back up.

Kasen pointed out, "Magic! You both just used magic! We've failed!"

Suika rematerialized, while taking a sip, "Of course we failed! This is impossible! No one can climb this mountain without magic! That's probably why such a mountain even exists in Gensokyo, because nothing like this could possibly exist in the outside world!"

Suddenly, Konngara laughed. She laughed like never before, drawing looks of dread from Suika, Yugi, and Kasen. "You idiots! You risked your lives for something so unachievable? You really are the stupidest oni ever!"

Kasen narrowed her eyes (which is rare), "Do _not_ speak that way about us, Konngara. We may have not accomplished anything of worth, but this journey has taught us all valuable life lessons."

Konngara said, "Now I know why I moved to Jigoku, because I couldn't stand being around my own people!"

Suika observed, "You got a lotta nerve makin' us go all this way, setting back our relations with the surface dwellers as much as we have. I would challenge you to a duel, but that wouldn't accomplish anything either. In fact, how 'bout my honorary sisters and I do what oni are notorious for; tell the truth back home? I wonder how our race would react if they learned of your trolling of us?"

Konngara exclaimed, "It won't do you any good if I beat you there first!" She took off flying.

Yugi gave chase, "Get back here-"

Suika flew in front of her, "Hold up! I got a faster way of getting there!"

Kasen, now flying, asked, "How?"

Suika grinned, "With _this!_" She took out of her satchel what looked like a black handheld device with a flat crystal on top, and numbers printed on the bottom. She started pressing the bottom numbers in a certain fashion, "Our ticket back home should be arriving any second now!"

Kasen asked, "What exactly is that? And what did you do?"

Suika said, "Oh this thing? This is a communication device civilians use in the outside world. I just sent our conductor a 'text'. Now, the conductor is a little slow to get up, but she'll get us back home in a snap!"

Yugi stated, "Wait a sec, this conductor, it's not who I think it is, is it?"

A large portal of eyes opened up near them. Inside was a train cart. Manning the train was a youkai sporting bed hair, "Stop using me as a deus ex machina, already. I can't be everywhere at once."

Suika stepped into the train, "What's wrong, Yuka-rin? Did I wake you? I thought you were impossible to wake, provided Yuyuko wasn't around to feel you-"

"-Shut up already." Yukari cut in. "You other two getting in or not?"

Yugi and Kasen came in. The trains doors closed, and the portal vanished.

The train took a two second ride to Old Hell. A portal opened, as well as the train doors. "Now at Old Hell, home of most Gensokyan oni. Next stop, the Scarlet Devil Mansion."

Suika, Yugi, and Kasen boarded off, and proceeded to the underground tavern. Suika whispered something into Yugi and Kasen's ears before entering. She then faced the crowd and screamed, "WE DID IT! WE'VE ACCOMPLISHED THE IMPOSSIBLE!"

Everyone who was present cheered, smashed bottles, threw congratulatory punches, and carried off the three oni via crowdsurfing, until suddenly, someone asked, "Hey wait, where's Konngara?"

Suika said, "She was too tired to come here, so she went back home to spread word of our accomplishment throughout all of Jigoku!"

The cheering and partying continued, until Konngara showed up. "Whoa! It's the fourth oni! Come to celebrate too?"

Konngara saw Suika and Yugi in the distance, with Kasen reciting sutras nearby. She sneered, "What's to celebrate? Our mission was a failure."

The crowd laughed, "Come on, no need to be humble! Any oni that accomplishes _that_ deserves to boast!"

Konngara said, "But there's nothing to celebrate! We didn't get to the top, and Suika was a dumbass the entire way!"

Suika came from the crowd, laughing, "There's no need to understate our accomplishments, Konngara!"

Konngara threw up her arms, "What accomplishments? Aside from pissing off countless tengu and kappa?"

Suika said, "Konn, Konn." She put her arm around Konngara's shoulder (she had to float to reach her shoulders) and dragged her away, "This is your one chance at immortality! You and Yugi and Kasen will be forever remembered in the annals of oni history! Even if we technically didn't finish the challenge, I'm certain we got farther than anyone else on that quest!"

Konngara complained, "But this isn't what really happened! I thought you were gonna tell everyone the truth!"

Suika murmured, "What? That you were aiming to make me and my friends look like idiots? Come on, Konn, I'm not _that_ cruel. I just did what the surface dwellers call a white lie. I couldn't let them down, they were anticipating our triumphant return! And now there's drinks on the house for the rest of the day! Come on, Konngara, look deep within your soul; you wanna celebrate our victory, even if it wasn't a victory, don't you?"

And so Konngara joined in the festivities. Konngara still tried to tell the oni the truth, but everyone was too drunk to remember the details correctly. And thus the legend of the Four Devas of the Mountain was born.

In this journalist's opinion, even if they didn't reach Youkai Mountain peak without magic, the fact that they went as far as they did is to be commended. They are still the devas of legend in my mind. And also, it is not a good idea to try to outdrink any of them, for you will fail every time. All this and more . . . in the ongoing series: Oni, Great Troublemakers, Or Greatest Troublemakers?

[Author's Note: I didn't mention this in this particular series, so I might as well say it now; I don't just write fanfiction. I also write and publish original fiction. That's right; I'm an independent writer and publisher of my own electronic books now. My first ebook is now for sale (only 1.99 USD!) at Smashwords dot com. You can find a link to my Smashwords page in my profile page. (Yeah, that partially explains why I'm jcarreau and no longer xm0123.)

However, I won't stop writing fanfiction altogether either. Touhou Omake isn't going away anytime soon. In theory, I could keep writing this series forever!]


	5. SelfInsert DX Edition

Touhou Omake #5: The Director's Cut of my self-insertion into Gensokyo.

[Author's Note: An acquaintance of mine by the handle of "Larekko12" liked the bit in part two when I attempted to write myself into the Touhou universe to illustrate a point. However, he noticed a huge gaping plot hole; if Rumia tried to eat me, there is no way that she could've gotten away with it, seeing as how I had _Ran_ for company, and upon further thinking, he was right, Ran should've wasted Rumia right then and saved my useless ass. So then ideas began circulating in my head, ideas for continuing my attempt to write myself in this despite how much I usually dislike this practice.

Mind you, I am only doing it this once (snerk), and afterwards, I will never attempt such a thing again in my Touhou fanfics. Above all else, blame Larekko12 for this.]

I couldn't help but say, "I feel like I'm living in a portrait."

"So nanoka~?" I heard a youthful voice say behind me.

I turned around and saw a little girl dressed in black and white. She had short blonde hair, a small red ribbon . . . and blood red eyes. I'm guessing she's not human. (hopefully not vampire; red eyes are a giveaway for that sort of thing.)

All of a sudden, Ran tensed up. She stared daggers into the girl, and spoke in Japanese in a rather brusque tone. Was she warning the girl?

The child said something, her tone of voice unchanged. She then drew out what looked like a playing card, and also flew higher up.

Ran drew a card of her own, and flew up. She said to me, "Stay away, but don't leave!"

All of a sudden, the two were shooting magic at each other! Lasers, bullets, in every color imaginable! And the two of them were flying like airplanes, dodging and shooting, it was marvelous! None of the shots came at me, but I got down really low just in case. It eventually ended with the girl falling down to earth. She got up and floated away, sporting a dejected face. Ran approached me, "It's safe again. Normally, people won't attack in the presence of a Yakumo, but I guess Rumia didn't care about that."

"Rumia?"

Ran explained, "That girl, she's a youkai like Yukari, but a, well, less successful one in terms of intelligence. Don't worry, I gave her a good spanking. Figuratively." She went back in some direction, and I followed.

I then asked, "But that magic you were shooting, was that dangerous? That girl looked unharmed, but you said she was a youkai. What was all of that?"

"Danmaku."

"Um, in English, preferably?"

Ran said, "'Curtain of bullets.' It's a catch-all phrase for magical attacks designed to stun, not kill a target. It's forbidden to use magic to kill, so disputes are sometimes settled with danmaku."

I replied, "I see. That could actually be handy in the outside world."

We were now in what looked like a forest full of bamboo shoots. There was bamboo _everywhere_, and while it was easy to navigate, there was no clear path to wherever Ran was going. I asked, "So, where are we going?"

"To a pharmacist."

"Out here?"

Ran nodded, "The best pharmacist in Gensokyo is within here. I remember the way, but it takes a while. Yukari said you have endurance for walking."

Well it's true, when I was still in high school, it could take me forty-five minutes to walk home, but that was in a familiar environment. Here, I feel like a stranger in someone's, "WAGH!" my foot dug into the ground, followed by my other foot. I landed in a hole. "OWWWW!"

Ran looked down, "Oh, that's right! You can't fly! Can you climb out?"

The hole was kind of deep, and climbing was a trait I never excelled in. I tried, but no luck, "Can you use some magic to get me out? Like, maybe shoot your stun bullets to dig around, maybe?"

Ran disappeared. I heard her speaking in Japanese to some new voices I didn't recognize nor understand. Ran then looked back down, "Some rabbits came by and said they would get you out. Hold perfectly still."

And by rabbits, she meant little girls in simple dresses with bunny ears. They somehow wormed in and pulled me out. On closer look, their ears looked real, just like the catgirl earlier.

Wait, real catgirls, and real bunnygirls? Is this where common fetishes originated? Ran asked, "Can you still move?"

I tried to walk, but my feet, legs, and knees hurt too much, "Argh! You better know some healing magic, cuz I could go for that right now!"

Ran said, "Well it's a good thing we're going to Eientei, since they can fix that too!" She then said something to the rabbits, then said to me, "These rabbits will take you to Eientei with me. It's where the pharmacist lives. You'll see."

The rabbits then picked me up and carried me like I was on a stretcher, a stretcher made from hands joined together. That was a weird sensation. We then were inside some place, it kind of looked like Yukari's place. I was then set down on a bed, much more comfy. I heard more voices. And then, I saw a new woman. She was tall, and wore a blue-and-red nurse's uniform. "Good afternoon." Oh good, she knows English, "I am Eirin Yagokoro. You seem to have fallen into one of Tewi's traps."

I asked, "Tewi? Who's that?"

"She's the leader of the Earth rabbits in Gensokyo. She can be rather naughty. Fortunately, you are a companion to Ran, so I'll fix your legs free of charge. First though, I will need to apply the anesthetic." She then put a mask over my mouth, "In a few seconds, you will fall asleep. This is perfectly normal." I then went to sleep.

Sleep under anesthesia is, from my experience, quick, dreamless, and very hard to remember. It's almost like you fall asleep for a few seconds, then awake to discover that you're hours into the future. That happened again. I awoke, and my legs felt completely better! Eirin stood over me again, "Do you feel any better?"

"Yeah! I feel like brand new! And you didn't even put me into a patient robe! Nice!"

Eirin said, "Alright, then stand up."

I got out of the bed, then noticed . . . whoa, Eirin's taller than me! Not only that, I get the feeling that she was the origin of the sexy nurse angle, if her breasts and (admittingly) attractive black eyes were any indication. She then looked away, "Kaguya, he's ready!"

"Coming!" Then in walked in a woman . . . who was . . . whoa, that face, that hair, those clothes! This woman said, "It's so fun practicing English in front of a guest!" She cheerfully remarked. Oh god, large dark brown eyes, my greatest weakness! She was a little shorter than me, (and noticeably more so than Eirin) not that I care about height. She smiled, "And what's your name?"

Since I was in a strange place, I answered, "My friends call me xm."

She giggled, "What a cute name! I'll be sure to remember that! Well, would you like an impromptu tea party? Ran said it was okay, if you don't mind staying for a little bit."

A little bit? With a woman sporting my favorite eye color, my second-favorite hair color, a beautiful outfit, a sweet voice, and everything else I find desirable in a girl? "Definitely!"

Ran appeared, "We can't stay for more than an hour or so, but I could use a rest."

Eirin told, "In that case, come join us at the kotatsu."

Kotatsu, that's where people gather, right? Sure enough, we gathered at one. (I just noticed Ran's taller than me, too. Am I really that short?) Kaguya addressed me, "So xm, what do you do in the outside world?"

Can't . . . ignore . . . pretty girl . . . "I write and publish stuff."

"What kind of stuff?" She said that with such a beautiful smile!

"Fiction. Works of fiction, and the occasional blog." The others looked confused, "A blog, it's an article that appears on the internet. It's basically a rant that people can read from their computers."

Kaguya said, "Oh, I see! Anything else?"

"Uh . . . nothing, aside from doing chores for my family."

Kaguya stated, "How nice! Well then, have you ever heard of me?"

"Uh, no."

Kaguya started with, "Have you ever heard of the tale of the bamboo cutter?" If I weren't so enraptured with her loveliness, I would've replied that she was that chick with the insanely long black hair from Okami, which she apparently is, but I got so lost in her beautiful cuteness that my mind lost track of everything. Oh sure, I nodded, shook my head, and went _uh huh_ occasionally, but I was just totally lost. Something about moon exiles? I started hearing Eirin saying something to a rabbit (one taller and dressed differently from the other rabbits) in Japanese, but it was alien to me.

Eirin turned to me, "You haven't drank any of your tea yet."

"Huh? Wha? Oh, I didn't notice." There was a small cup of green tea sitting ahead of me.

Eirin then showed what looked like a pill, "You're not used to Gensokyo. Here, I have a pill. Take this with the tea, and it'll protect you from magic."

Normally, I would assume that she was trying to drug me, but she was a friend of Kaguya, and I didn't want to refuse her. So I took the pill and drank my tea. Within minutes . . . I could actually start to focus on what Kaguya was saying, "And then Reisen said, 'But Princess, everyone is still waiting for your return!' To which I said, 'But here, I am the ruler!' And then Reisen said, 'But, you could become queen, and rule all of Luna!' And I said, 'But that's too much responsibility. Besides, Earth rabbits are simply too cute for me to ignore! I will continue to rule over them instead.' And then Reisen learned why I've been here for the last several centuries."

Eirin then whispered to me, "That pill also nullifies your sex drive and the parts of your endocrine system that controls mood-elevating hormones. I saw that you were swooning over the Princess, which is actually quite normal, but I didn't want you making any sudden proposals. She's not interested in marriage at the moment."

Huh? What? Eirin . . .WHATǃ? She continued, "But the effect only lasts for six hours. Afterward, you'll be back to normal, but in that time, you'll be less susceptible to danmaku, so don't feel too bad." Then I looked at Kaguya. Yeah, she's one of the most charming people I've ever seen, but it seems my new crush was . . . already gone. This must be typical if Eirin has a pill for this.

Ran spoke, "I must thank you once again for your hospitality, but my companion and I have other affairs to attend to."

Kaguya said, "No problem! Feel free to come by again!"

We parted ways with the owners of this mansion and the rabbits. As we got out, I told Ran, "Are there a lot of places like this here?"

She answered, "Some." She looked at me, "We're running a little behind schedule. Would you mind if I carried you for a lift?"

I cocked my head, "You mean carry me piggyback as you fly? Is that safe?"

Ran assured me, "Long before I even had a human form, I was one of the strongest beings in Gensokyo. Carrying you should be no problem. Just hold on to my back and my tails will support you." Oh that's right, those large tails of hers.

Oh well. I situated myself behind her, (Stop thinking perverse thoughts!) and held on. All of a sudden, she jumped up . . . and kept going up, "Whoooooooa!" I was hugging her from behind, and my hands were secured at her abdomen. (More muscular than mine, of course.)

We were over the bamboo forest when she started going forward. Then bright lights came bearing down at us. "It's just danmaku. It shouldn't hurt." Then I realized, fairies were shooting at us!

"Are you sureǃ? What about meǃ?"

She said, "Humans are safe from danmaku, too." She then drew a free hand and fired some shots of her own. Her danmaku shots were a lot more elaborate, and caused the fairies to dissipate.

"What do you mean safeǃ? Those fairies are dead!"

She said in a calm voice, "Not true. Fairies are an embodiment of nature. So long as the nature they represent live, they can regenerate. Besides, don't you think this is fun?"

The way she was flying around, dodging shots, and firing back, it felt like I was playing a real-life version of Star Fox. (And with a fox, too, how very coincidental.) Oh my God, I'm living out one of my dreams from when I was twelve years old! "Yeah! In a way, it is! It's like I'm in an amusement park!"

"I thought so!" She said all of this while firing a bunch of shots with just one hand.

I then asked, "Hey, can I shoot those shots too?"

"I don't know, can you?"

I held out a palm to my side. I imagined myself firing a blast out of my hand. (Great. Now I look like a Dragonball fanboy desperately trying to re-enact a fight scene from that.) Nothing happened. I closed my eyes, deep in concentration. Still nothing happened. I cried out, "By the powers vested in the Princess of the True Ancestors, grant me the strength to smite my foes!" Still nothing happened.

"Yukari told me you had some training in theater. She wasn't lying."

"Guh!" They know that, tooǃ? "Just how much do you know about meǃ? I'm not even famous!"

"Not too much. It's not like we know your grade point average." She stopped firing, "We're here. I presume you can walk the rest of the way, right?"

"Yeah." She touched down in front of what looked like a Feudal Japanese village, except I don't think this was a set for a documentary; this looked like an actual place where people lived. I saw people, humans (I think) go about their business, but they were all dressed like, again, people from Japan's feudal age. I then noticed, wait, I'm not in my usual clothes! All this time, I've been wearing a black kimono, complete with wooden geta sandals! How come I didn't notice that until nowǃ? Eh, must be the drug Eirin gave me.

The village was quite lively; lots of people mingling, buying things, children playing, but I noticed some of them looking at Ran and saying, "Yakumo!" or something. I think some of them were talking about me too, but what they were saying, I couldn't be certain.

Ran led me to some building somewhere. It looked like an old Japanese building, like everything else in the village. Ran walked through and said, "Come on in. Just leave your shoes here."

Oh right. I'm not in the Occident right now. I slipped my sandals off and proceeded in. The house was well decorated, Japanese style of course. A woman approached us and spoke in Japanese. She had long silver hair, wore a cool hat, and wore a purplish-blue dress with a white hem. Ran said something, then the woman said in English, "Welcome. I am the school headmaster Keine Kamishirasawa." That was a mouthful. "Call me Keine."

"Greetings. I don't know why I'm here, I'm just following Ran."

She giggled, "How . . . honest of you. Ran and I have some business to discuss. The details of which would bore you, and also don't concern you." She then gestured to what looked like a vinyl record player, "Would you care to listen to some music? I do have modern music that may be familiar to your ears." The player had large old-fashioned headphones hooked up to it.

I said, "If it's not Katy Perry, I think I just might."

Keine raised an eyebrow. Guess such references would go over their heads; lucky them. She then smiled, "I only have synthesized FM music. Is that alright?"

I asked, "Synthesized? Like techno music? Cuz that's my third favorite genre of music."

"Oh good!" She replied. I put the headphones on. "Sorry, but I don't know how to use records. All my music is on CD or MP3." Another confused stare, "But if you get me started, I'll zone out for however long it goes."

"Okay!" Keine put on a 33 LP for me. The music was scratchy, and entirely instrumental . . . _and completely kickass_. It was fast-paced and beautiful, but something about it sounded familiar. I feel like I've heard this music in a game series before . . . Megaman? No, this is more complex-sounding than that. Dang, this style sounds familiar, like it's a composer I would recognize, or someone imitating a famous composer. More songs came on, which all also sounded good.

Eventually, Keine tapped my shoulder. I took the headphones off. She asked, "Do you like it?"

"Oh yeah. A _lot_. Do you know where this is from?"

Keine responded, "Akyu said it was someone Japanese. Oh, right. She's a friend. She loves this kind of music, and lends me some of it occasionally."

"Well tell her she's got better taste in music than most of the college kids I met!"

Ran came up, "We're done for today. If you'd like, I could fly you back to the mansion."

Since I wanted to get back as soon as possible, I answered, "Yeah. Do that; I probably won't get another chance."

I saddled up (so to speak) on Ran, and she took to the air once again. On the way, she blasted fairies out of the sky with her danmaku magic, while I hid like a coward. (How are you supposed to get used to this?) During a lull, I had to ask, "Hey Ran, how come some of the people here can not only understand me, but speak absolutely flawless English too? Those moon people, that woman in the village, and of course you and your master. Where do you learn that?"

Ran said, "When you can live forever, you get bored. To quell that boredom, you learn things to keep your mind occupied. Since some of us have a long lifetime, we can learn things that mortals wouldn't be able to. We learn languages, music, crafts, that sort of thing. For instance, did you know that Kaguya is the best player of the samisen in Gensokyo, if not all of the world? Well, it's because she's had centuries to practice."

Wow, the prospect of an eternal life . . . it's almost too much to bear. "So that explains it." was all I could manage.

There was no incident on the way back to the house. We came in and found Yukari playing on a big screen tv and using a Wiimote. "Welcome back!" She called out.

It then dawned on me, "Hey wait, you're using some rather advanced technology. The places we went to, they didn't have anything like that!" Sorry enthusiasts, but vinyl LPs are too old-fashioned for my liking, "Are you hoarding all the modern stuff for yourself?"

Yukari pouted, "How rude! Do you take me to be so selfish, that I wouldn't share modern conveniences with the rest of Gensokyo? I should have you punished for that!"

I said, "Whoa, take it easy! I was only asking a question! I get that you meant no."

She responded, "Exactly. The kappa and the tengu also have these things; it's just that most people in Gensokyo have no use for things like computers and video games, that's all." She paused her game, "But since you're back, make yourself at home. I won't be sending you back to the outside world just yet."

Feeling curious, I decided to explore the rest of the house. I quickly found out why it's called a mansion, it's huge. Just because Asian mansions aren't multi-storied (as far as I know) doesn't mean they're small, far from it. There were all sorts of different rooms all throughout, rooms that doubled as closets for clothes, rooms with strange gadgets I didn't recognize, at least four rooms filled with books, as well as more bedrooms and bathrooms than would be necessary for three inhabitants. (I guess that's how Yukari can have guests over.)

I eventually returned to where the tv was. Yukari was watching something on video. She leaned over and asked, "Enjoy your stay?"

I said, "Yeah. It's too bad I can't tell anyone about this place back home, unless of course I wanna spend the rest of my life in an insane asylum."

She stated, "If you'd like, you could spend the winter of your life here, after you've retired of course."

"I'll keep that in mind."

Yukari told me, "In your timezone, it's nearly morning. You'll have to go back. I'll give you half an hour or so to prepare for your leave." Wait, I can't leave just yet! There's something I need to do first! After thinking it through, I pleaded to her, "Uh, Yukari, don't send me away just yet."

Yukari looked curious, "And why not?"

I made a wily grin, "There's something I wanna do in Gensokyo in the near future, and I'll need your help." I then reassured her, "No, it's nothing dangerous, nor evil, or anything like that. It's just a thing I wanna do later in the year. I'll have to stay in Gensokyo for a few more weeks, but then after that, you can send me back to my hometown."

Yukari then made a wily grin of her own, "Do tell, good sir; do tell."

TO BE CONTINUED . . .


	6. April Fool's Party

Omake #6: The Greatest April Fool's Day Evar.

[Author's Note: APRIL FOOL'S SUCKERS! This is the follow-up to my last omake fic, starring me. However, it's not just me and Touhou characters, oh no! This features at least one character from Kara no Kyoukai, Blaz Blue, Puella Magi Madoka Magica, and a mystery series. Hope that doesn't bother you. For now, enjoy your April Fool's.]

HakuReimu (since I'm suddenly using Japanese naming order now) was sitting on the steps of the Shrine, contemplating, "Man, it sure is boring around Gensokyo."

When all of a sudden, someone came from inside . . . or rather, the other side of the Boundary, but whenever that happens, it always looks like someone came walking in from Reimu's bedroom. This someone was a woman, about the same height as Reimu, sporting short black hair, and wearing a red leather jacket over a light blue kimono. Reimu put distance between the two, "Who are you?"

The woman looked up, "Who am I? I can't rightfully say. Self-identify is an abstract concept, but the people I know call me Shiki. The fanboys call me Ryougi to differentiate from the _other_ knife-wielding Shiki, but don't ever call me Ryougi."

Reimu's face softened, "Oh! You must be here for the April Fool's celebration! I thought something about you seemed familiar."

Ryougi's face didn't change, "As in we are both from fanfictions written by that Virtual Maze guy?"

Reimu snapped her finger, "Yeah! And if that's the case, that must mean-"

-Just then, someone teleported near Reimu, someone other than Yukari for once. It was a girl in a black dress with red trim. Her long yellow hair was held in pigtails, and she was accompanied by a cat and a bat. She said in a refined voice, "Nago, you said this would lead us to Sector Seven. This looks absolutely nothing like Sector Seven."

The cat, presumably Nago, responded, "Well Princess, sometimes, we make errors, and-" PUNCH! He was sent flying away by the fist of the girl.

Reimu stood up, "Who are you people?"

She bored through Reimu with her blood red eyes, "Oh look, a Shinto shrine maiden, how quaint. Normally, I would ignore you and proceed to my usual affairs, but it just occurred to me that maybe Nago sent me to the right place after all. In which case, I am Rachel Alucard, and I presume you two are Hakurei Reimu and Ryougi Shiki?"

The two nodded as Nago came back down to Earth. "Princess, it has occurred to me that the appointment with Kokonoe was actually for next Tuesday, not today. Today was the April Fool's gag with . . . all these young women."

Rachel ignored him, "The cat is Nago, and the bat is Gii. Pay them no heed; they are instruments of mine, nothing more."

Ryougi's eyes stared through the new guests, "Strange creatures, no doubt. Were this not an omake, I would be reaching for my knife right now."

Reimu added, "And I my spell cards. By the way, do all vampires wear Gothic lolita dresses?"

Right then, a sound echoed from the sky. It was the sound of exhilaration, like a kid riding on a rollercoaster. The women looked up. Up in the sky, a white dot was moving through the sky. The dot then got bigger, and showed some pink outlines. The sound coming from the pink-and-white dot could be heard clearly, "WEEEEEEEEEEEE!" The dot came crashing down near the shrine, "Ompf!" It was . . . a girl in a frilly pink-and-white dress. The girl had pink hair and pink eyes.

"Hey, are you okay?" Reimu asked.

The girl got up, "Uh huh! I wouldn't have done that if it were dangerous!" She looked at the other women, "Oh! You probably don't know me! Hiiiii!~ I'm Kaname Madoka, a magical girl"

Rachel groaned, "Oh Lord, another moeblob. As if all the ripoffs of me were appalling enough."

Madoka nervously laughed, "Eh heh heh! I'm sorry! I'm just naturally clumsy!"

Reimu noted, "You're not worse than any of the fairies here, so don't sweat it."

"Awww! Thaaaanks!~"

Ryougi said, "I sense a dangerous aura about you; don't try to start anything."

Madoka became flustered, "Who, me? Oh goodness no! I would never do that, a ha ha ha!"

Reimu remembered, "Hey, I just realized; the guest of honor hasn't arrived yet. Until then, let me serve you some tea."

Rachel ordered, "I will pass on your tea. I dare not even contemplate what wretched ingredients you use in this territory. Nago, fetch me my Darjeeling tea."

The ladies drank some tea, then Reimu asked, "So, what's your connection to the author? Mine is he made me a Mama's Girl that grew up to be a badass."

Ryougi said, "He made me act like a character from his favorite visual novel just because _he _thought I had a lot in common with one of his favorite characters in that."

Rachel answered, "He had me answer a series of asinine questions from equally asinine readers who deluded themselves into thinking they could really talk to me. It was most nauseating."

Madoka blushed, "Umm . . . this is embarrassing for me, uh, he made me the leader of a harem . . . a harem of all of my girlfriends!" Tears formed in her eyes, "I can hear Sayaka-chan's laughter right now! It's all so embarrassing!"

Reimu added, "But at least here you don't have to stress over that. And even despite that . . . predicament, it can't be as bad as your actual canon.

Madoka sniffled, "I know, but it's just so hard, all the same!"

Reimu took a sip, "So, where is this author?"

"Right here" a male voice interrupted. From the other side of the Shrine (and Boundary), in stepped in a man in a white tuxedo, smoking a cigarette.

"You're the author?" Reimu asked.

The cigarette smoking man said, "But of course! I was wishing you all a happy April Fool's Day, even if you aren't my characters."

Reimu smiled, "Ah yes, now that you're here, allow us to share some grievances."

The author cocked his head, "Grievances?"

Reimu said, "Yeah. First of all, why did you make me go through something that traumatic as a childǃ?"

Ryougi added, "And why have you not utilized me more often?"

Madoka chimed in, "And why must you make me the target of yuri-obsessed fans?"

And Rachel concluded, "And what possessed you into thinking that having someone as closed off as me answering the whims of uneducated mortals would be a worthwhile endeavor?"

If the author was a character from a low-budget comedy anime, a giant sweatdrop would have formed on his head right now. Instead, he looked nervous, "Eh heh heh! Um, easiest answer is I was bored. And I also wanted to flex my writing muscles. This required me to do weird things with you at times, but I hope you don't mind."

Reimu sighed, "At least you limited your humiliations to just us; you didn't drag in others for your amusement."

The author held up his finger, "Not quite, for you see, I wrote other fanfics based off other things before I came to Fanfiction Dot Net. Problem is, these other fanfics of mine? All script fics, so none of them are available here. However, there was one script fic of mine I was particularly proud of. One of the girls from that story should be coming aaaaaaaany second now~."

Just then, a rumble was felt on the ground. It wasn't a constant shaking like an earthquake, but rather, like the rhythm of a heartbeat. _Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom._ The thing that was causing those rumblings was now visible; a giant red robot. Reimu asked. "The last girl is that robot?"

The author corrected, "No, not the robot! The girl _in_ the robot!"

The robot thundered across the area until suddenly right above the shrine. Out popped from the back of the robot what looked like a large white pill, and out stepping from that large white pill was a girl in what looked like a red jumpsuit. She jumped down, sliding down the smooth sections and hopping past the obstructions until reaching the ground. She marched up to the people gathered, stopping before everyone with legs spread and her hands on her hips, "Don't even _think_ of starting this party without me!" she shouted.

The author said, "Welcome back, Asuka! How's it feel not being in a script fic?"

She looked away, "It sucks just as much. I'm only here to get away from the nastiness of my own universe."

Ryougi asked, "Say, isn't there more than one interpretation of Evangelion? Which Asuka is she?"

"I'll find out." The author looked at Asuka, "Hey Asuka, are you hopelessly attracted to Ryoji Kaji?"

She made a face of disgust, "Eww, no! He's _old!_"

The author looked back, "Yeah, that's definitely Shikinami."

The guests conversed for a while, that was until the author inserted, "But you see, it's no coincidence that you're all here."

Reimu sighed, "Oh boy, I sense another long act of exposition. I'll get the ramen ready."

The author went into filibuster mode, "When I was in college, debate was encouraged in the English classes. In one of my English classes, there was this woman. She was a self-proclaimed feminist, which I find offensive, since my own mother is also a feminist, but you see, my mom's a true feminist; she's not a hater like this former peer of mine. The class was discussing gender differences in literature, and this woman, more than once throughout the semester, tried to claim that men cannot write women characters as well as men characters, because 'we (as in men) don't know what it's like to be a woman.' Nevermind that amateur female authors often can't write believable male characters themselves, but no one ever challenged her on this. I could've myself, but I would've been ripping into her personally, and that kind of criticism could've gotten me kicked out of my school, so I couldn't do anything. But now, look at all the fanfics I've done; all for franchises predominantly female. And no one's ever criticized my portrayal of girls. Sure, I may not know from first-hand experience what it's like to have a period, or female genitalia, or pregnancy, or menopause, or the unique pressures women face from society, but you know what? Men also face unique pressures from society. Not only that, men and women are more alike than the mass media wants us to believe."

Rachel stared, "This speech of yours is plodding and pedantic. Are you going to say something to justify this being a part of a comedic series of fanfictions?"

The author said, "Wait for the humorous bits. Besides, people will read anything I say. Even if it's not funny or edgy, they'll still read it, because I'm just that good at putting words together, and they enjoy devouring the final product . . . or so I've been told."

Ryougi added, "Is that your way of trying to sound humble?"

"Maybe. There are some people that I feel I could never surpass as a storyteller. It would be presumptuous of me to try to claim that I will become the next J.K. Rowling, since, one, I'm not as good as her, and two [I forgot what I was going to say here, eh heh!], but here's something interesting; there's another reason why I assembled all of you specifically."

Asuka glared, "Why? So you can study our bodies? Admit it, you perv!"

The author chided, "Uh, no. Besides, of all the present company, only Reimu is pretty in my eyes." Reimu visibly blushed, "But that's not it. You see, your presence here is a showing of my restraint. I didn't invite any of my favorite characters from your respective franchises here. For instance, Reimu, you are my third-favorite Touhou character. Rachel, you are my second favorite Blaz Blue character. Shiki, you actually _are_ my favorite character from Garden of Sinners, however, in the overall Nasuverse, you only rank fifth. Asuka, depending on which version I'm experiencing, you are either my second favorite character (manga), a character I don't adore but still like (Rebuild), or my most _hated_ character (Eva tv). And Madoka, you are only my second favorite character from your series."

Madoka became glum, "I see . . . you like cool girls like Homura-chan, don't you?"

The author said, "Not quite. If I _had_ brought my favorite characters here, I would instead be surrounded by Youmu, Arcueid, Taokaka, Misato, and Sayaka."

Rachel facepalmed, "Of all the people you could've chosen over me-"

Asuka interrupted, "-Wait, which version is it where you like Misato the most?"

The author smiled, "All three, baby."

Asuka complained, "But, she can't even pilot an Eva! And she's always drunk! And-"

"-Is a lot more levelheaded than you in comparison. And also has nicer legs than you. Still mad?"

Asuka looked away, unable to speak. The author mentioned, "Huh, the possibility of two swordswomen interacting, one, a half-human half-ghost servant of an immortal noblewoman, the other a heroine of justice. How can I contrive such a situation?"

Reimu looked confused, "Um, what were we doing again?"

Rachel answered, "Enjoying delicacies with some child blabbering about nonsense."

The author looked up, "Oh, that reminds me! Rachel, it's unfortunate that I ended your fanfic when I did, for I found, that's right, another ripoff of you!"

"How grandiose. I feel special."

The author continued, "However, this girl originated in a series of novels that predate your franchise, so it makes me curious. Tell me, do any of you know Gosick?" Heads shook. "Well, the main female protagonist is a girl named Victorique. Okay, stop me if any of this sounds familiar; she's a short girl with long blonde hair, wears really nice elegant lolita dresses, has a flat chest, speaks in a refined but blunt manner, is rude to everyone even those she likes, always complains that she's 'bored', and even has a voice similar to Rachel's. Coincidence? (And yet has the same Japanese voice actress as Madoka, scary thought.)"

Rachel responded, "Does this Victorique observe different possibilities of the Continuum Shift? Can she wield arcane powers? Is she even a vampire?"

The author said, "No, she's not identical to you. And unfortunately, I did not enjoy the anime version of Gosick enough to finish it, but Victorique does have one advantage over you." Rachel raised an eyebrow, "Victorique is really really really cute!"

"GYAH!" Madoka squealed, "That's what Sayaka-chan said about me!"

The author exclaimed, "But it's true! The only reason I watched Gosick was 'that Rachel Alucard look-a-like is really cute!'"

Rachel deadpanned, "And now, having learned the folly of your superficiality, you have come crawling back to me, demanding to bear witness to my witty repartee in favor of some girl you only liked for being 'cute,' is that it?"

"Yes, ma'am." The author whimpered. He then smiled and snapped his finger, "Oh yeah! There was another girl just recently! Say, any of you heard of an anime called There's No Way My Little Sister Could Possibly Be This Cute?"

Reimu and Madoka snickered. Everyone else said no.

The author continued, "Well, there's this girl, no, this woman named Kuroneko."

"A ha ha ha ha ha! Black Cat! That's so cute!" Madoka remarked.

"Yes, Kuroneko. She's (again, does any of this sound familiar?) a short girl with a petite body who's really smart, but really condescending, even to people she likes. She wears Lolita dresses, and hates anything she considers to be low art. If anything, you'd probably look up to her, Rabbit."

Rachel raised an eyebrow, "Me, looking up to a mortal? You're more lacking in intelligence than I thought."

The author sneered, "Would you look up to a girl who criticized magical girl shows (not yours, Madochin) that have no plot, just moeblobs that appeal entirely to desperate twenty-something men? Kuroneko's dialog is shockingly similar to your own."

Rachel sipped her tea, "I've heard enough. Yes, I get it; my archetype is commonplace in the popular arts of the Japan of your time. Now how about letting us enjoy our meals in peace?"

"Yes, ma'am."

The group continued to enjoy themselves. Eventually, Reimu told, "I'm now out of tea. You can stay if you want, but you'll be bored from here on out."

The author said, "Interesting manner of ending this party, child of Hakurei. Well, I don't wanna overstay my welcome. I have to strike up another deal with those things whose names end in 'Bey'".

Madoka skrieked, "KYAAAA! You can't! You mustn't!"

The author reassured, "Don't be scared, I know how to deal with them. As for these parties, I hope in a few years from now, I'll have another party like this, only next time, it'll be in a setting I created, and with characters I made. And I'll try to even the gender split by then. Well, it was fun!" He went through the Boundary and disappeared.

Asuka proclaimed, "I've got Angels to kill, so later." She got into her Eva and marched off.

Madoka told the others, "Uh, I can't fly or teleport. Can I go back the way the author went?"

Reimu said, "Yeah."

"Okay! Thank you for having me here!" She bowed, then exited through the Boundary.

Rachel ordered, "Nago, Gii, we are leaving. I tire of this place." She made a portal form, and she, Nago, Gii, and the portal vanished.

Ryougi looked at Reimu, "Is this typical for you? Random people just drop in and do whatever they want, without your consent?"

Reimu sighed, "You have no idea. I don't mind though, so long as no one starts any fights."

Ryougi stated, "I see. I must be going now. Watch out for wayward spirits." She slipped her hands into her jacket pockets, and left through the Boundary.

Reimu sprawled her body over the front porch, "I'm so tired."

[Author's Note: This April Fool's joke of mine spent seven months and three weeks in the making, just to arrive on April Fool's. Be grateful for this!

However, I am out of ideas for this series at the moment. Mind you, I'm not going to retire it, but I need to concentrate on other things, not the least of which being writing more original ebooks. So this series will be on hiatus for an indefinite amount of time.

And even if I do ever come back to Touhou Omake, don't expect to see me in the series again.]


	7. Technophiliacs

Final Omake: Technophiliacs

Gensokyo was a land not renowned for its use of modern technology. Indeed, because of its abundance of magic users, advanced technology simply wasn't needed in the country. Youkai don't require the conveniences of human technology to live day by day, and the humans of Gensokyo simply know no other way beyond the technology present in the area prior to it becoming landlocked in the late 19th century.

Yet there were two groups of people who did use modern technology; the kappa, and the tengu. Both races lived on Youkai Mountain, effectively sequestering the later inventions of the outside world to themselves. As time marches on, technology that becomes obsolete in the outside world finds itself in Gensokyo, and the first adopters are always the kappa, wolfs, and crows. Just think of all the things they possess: the printing press! Distilleries! Flushing toilets! Electrical lighting! Lawnmowers! An argument could be made that the Yakumo clan also has access to modern equipment, but considering that said clan currently only consists of three members, and that the head of said clan trusts only her closest friends with the location of their mansion, they are usually ignored in reports such as this.

Most other Gensokyans didn't really care one way or the other about outside technology. One exception to this, who was indeed in favor of modernization, was the Moriya clan. As it should stand, Sanae, Kanako, and Suwako had lived in the outside world, having only relocated to Gensokyo a few years ago. Deprived of electricity, heating, air conditioning, and running water, it was especially hard for Sanae to adjust to the land of illusions. Aside from a few odds and ends from the Human Village, and the shop ran by Rinnosuke, she had no place to go to for modern invention. Indeed, most people didn't know about technology, aside from the kappa and tengu.

So naturally, on one sunny day, Sanae flew over to Youkai Mountain. The trip was ostensibly to develop nuclear fusion power for their region of Gensokyo. Little did anyone know that Sanae had another purpose in coming.

She found herself inside a building filled with computers networked to each other. Numerous kappa were in wait, including Nitori, "Ah! Our human guest has arrived! We can begin!"

Sanae shouted, "I am _so_ ready for this!"

She seated herself at an empty seat. She and the kappa loaded up a computer game. Sanae had played games as a child, but since moving to Gensokyo, she hadn't been able to play anything until just recently. Today, she was playing a game that had become popular in the outside world after she had moved into Gensokyo. It was a shooter game involving team-based combat. Two teams were pitted against each other, and players chose a class of soldier to fight as. The game's aesthetic was reminiscent of American cartoon shows, and the players reveled in imitating the different soldiers in the game.

Once the match had started, a cacophony had started, one filled with gunshots, explosives, men shouting, "Fire fire fire!" in a ridiculous French accent, and the numerous things the players were saying. "Stop camping!" "Rocket spam for the win!" I AM BOO-LEET PROOF!" "I just sniped your turret; WITH A SHOTGUN!"

At the end of the match, Sanae spoke to Nitori, "Man, that was awesome! And to think, I used to hate shooter games, but now, now I can't get enough of them!"

Nitori responded, "I know! With games this addictive, does anyone get anything done in the outside world?"

"Oh they do, they just have to set aside a lot of free time for games like this."

Sanae eventually returned to the Moriya Shrine. An ecstatic Suwako greeted her, "Sana-chan! Sana-chan! Look what we got!"

Sanae touched down, "What is it?"

"Those kind fairies found something for us!" She took out a device.

Sanae widened her eyes, "Is that an ipod?"

Suwako exclaimed, "Yes! So long as the batteries run, you can listen to music again!"

Sanae looked at the MP3 player. She looked over the playlist, "There's a good variety of music on here." Her eyes then caught a selection that read, "Anime OSTs." Inside the folder was another one for opening songs. She opened it. She read the list, then gasped, "Could it be?"

"What is it?" Suwako asked with an air of curiosity.

"Is that . . . really . . . the theme song of my favorite show?"

Suwako read aloud, "'Moonlight Densetsu' . . . which one was that again?"

Sanae put on the ear buds attached to the player, "Excuse me for a moment." She pressed the play button. A song played, one she had heard many times as a child. She was transfixed by the melody she heard. She even softly sang the lyrics out loud. When the song finished, she took the ear buds out and promptly hugged Suwako, "Thank you so much! I'm so happy right now!"

"Don't thank me! Thank Kanako! She was the one who got it for you!"

"Of course!" Sanae ran inside the shrine. Kanako appeared to be meditating, but was interrupted by Sanae's embrace, "Thank you so much, Kanako-sama!"

"Oh, the player!" She remarked. "Yes, one of those fairies was kind enough to spare that in exchange for some acts of divine intervention on my part. I think it was worth it, if only for this new moment of happiness."

Indeed, the Moriya clan was in high spirits that day.

* * *

><p>In the Forest of Magic, there laid a cottage, one inhabited by a girl with puppets. Alice was sewing clothes for her many puppets, which is a common activity for one gifted in dollcraft, but something was different in the house. While Alice was sewing, her eyes were fixed on a surface displaying an image, "Today, we can expect an overcast over the Forest of Magic throughout the daylight hours. Expect light showers tonight. In Heaven, we can expect-"<p>

Just right then, something loud was interrupting Alice. What sounded like loud, bombastic music was blaring right outside of her house. Irritated, she opened the door. She saw Marisa flying on her broomstick, bearing a "shit-eating grin," wearing black sunglasses, and carrying a music-playing device on her broomstick. (It was held on with duct tape.) Alice, covering her ears, shouted, "WILL YOU SHUT OFF THAT INFERNAL NOISEǃ?"

Marisa responded, "NO WAY MAN! THIS IS THE MUSIC OF THE GODS!"

Alice threw a bomb doll at the witch. "AGH!" Marisa weaved, then pressed a button on her speaker set, muting the music, "No fighting!"

Alice crossed her arms, "So, did you come here to show off some outsider technology?"

Marisa answered, "Yeah! Some fairies handed these things to me! They called this," she pointed to the speakers, "a 'boombox', and they called what it plays a 'see-dee.' I had to show Rinnosuke what they were, just to figure out how to use them. I only got one see-dee, but the fairy said I would really like the music. My God, they couldn't be more right! But, the case it came in, it's written in English. Can you transcribe it for me?"

Alice stepped outside. Marisa handed her a jewelcase. Alice looked at the cover and the words. The first word appeared to be a compound of "Metal" and "Lika." She read the other words, and frowned, "Is this your idea of a joke?"

"Huh?"

Alice pointed to the case, "It reads, 'Master of Puppets.' Are you _deliberately_ trying to insult me?"

Marisa was more confused, "Eh, really? It says that?"

"Yes, dummy."

Marisa blushed, "I had no idea, eh heh heh!" She took back the case, "Alright, so whenever I hear this from now on, I'll think of you!"

Alice looked disgusted, "Ugh, seriously?"

"Yeah!" Marisa flew up, "I'd stay, but I got more important things to do. See ya!" As Marisa flew away, loud music boomed from her broomstick.

Alice stepped back into her house, "If she comes here again, I'll just have to play music of my own."

* * *

><p>A girl was walking down a dirt road with a woman. "Thank you for watching out for me."<p>

"It was nothing. You are of the Hieda clan, after all, and today is a day with no school, so I had the time."

Akyu smiled, "Always so considerate!"

The two of them had approached the fame Korindou shop. Upon stepping in, a man greeted, "Ah! So good to see you again, Akyu and Keine."

Akyu bowed, "The feeling is mutual." She pulled out a pen and an empty book, "So then Rinnosuke, you say you have something to show us?"

He answered, "Indeed. Look here." He displayed what looked like a computer that could fold up.

Keine asked, "Is this one of those 'notebook computers' I've heard so much about?"

"Indeed, but I didn't request you to come here just to see one of these. I came to show you a movie."

Akyu questioned, "A movie? Like The Great Train Robbery?"

"Eh, something like that. You see, many films in the outside world are not contained within physical film reels like in the previous century, but rather, on digital files. Many of these digital videos have been brought into Gensokyo, however, many of them are not in Japanese, but fear not, for I have completed a subtitled translation for one such video. It's not very long, so enjoy yourselves."

He then played a video obtained from the outside world. It showed two young men watching a film. One of them complains, "God, this movie is so _dumb!_ Do they honestly expect us to believe that aliens are gonna set up a battlefield exactly like a board game? A board game from Earth?" The other guy says, "Of course not, dude! It's just a movie! Can you imagine how stupid movies would be if they actually _were_ like real life?" It then played a montage of clips showing what appeared to be various scenes from films from the outside world.

Keine was impressed, "My goodness! This is . . . this is a movieǃ?"

Rinnosuke said, "Yes indeed."

Keine continued, "But, it wasn't in black and white, and there was sound, and the film wasn't weathered; it was like I was standing there, in person!"

Akyu was writing in her journal, "Yes, but I get the feeling that this would be really enjoyable if I had seen more than Charlie Chaplin films in my life." Indeed, the only movies available in Gensokyo for the longest time were beat-up film reels from the silent era.

Keine exclaimed, "Wait till the kids see this!"

* * *

><p>The Hakurei Shrine, a place currently occupied by Reimu Hakurei. She was sitting on the steps outside, drinking tea, when someone approached her . . . from the side, "Enjoying yourself?"<p>

Reimu, recognizing the voice, did not flinch, "I was . . . for a while."

The speaker revealed herself as a woman in a white-and-purple dress holding an umbrella, "You're untainted, still."

Reimu, knowing Yukari frequently babbled about things beyond human understanding, ignored her.

Yukari continued, "It all started with those fairies in the red mansion. They would sneak past the Boundary, take books from the outside world, and bring them back into the library managed by Patchouli. One day, Remilia got an idea; bring in _other_ items from the outside world, and profit from them. So then the fairies brought in modern conveniences and technology, things outsiders still believe in. They shouldn't be here, and with good reason; Remilia's 'goodwill' is damaging the fabric of our society."

Reimu looked up, "And you want _me_ to do something?"

Yukari flashed a smile, "Oh, I'm not forcing you to take any action. I was just saying that an incident is under way, and thought I'd point you to its source, or you could let someone else do it."

Reimu muttered, "Sure, how about," she pointed her finger at Yukari, "The master herself?"

Yukari responded, "I'm sorry, darling, but Ran and I must work together to break Chen out of her Sgt. Frog addiction."

_What?_ Reimu was confused by that last statement, "If you say so."

Yukari said, "Be seeing you." She formed a gap and disappeared.

Reimu thought there was something strange going on the last time she was in the Human Village. For one thing, it seemed like a lot of the houses were playing records, records that had no fuzz nor scratchiness. On top of that, she heard children shouting "OWNED!" at one point. She couldn't have known then that it was the end result of yet another incident.

With gohei rod in hand, Reimu took to the skies, flying in the direction that led to the Scarlet Devil Mansion. There were few fairies on the way, so she had no difficulty in reaching the red mansion. The first thing to catch Reimu's eye was the lack of something; Hong Meiling wasn't standing guard. "This should be easy." She flew to the side, "Isn't this where Marisa sneaks in?" There was a window that led into the library.

The shrine maiden was now inside of Voile, however, the fairies that normally maintain the massive library were mostly gone. She stayed at the ready in case of an attack, yet no one showed up. She knew her way around the mansion, and was about to see herself out into the main hallway, when she spotted a familiar face. Patchouli was lying on a chair, looking at something like a book, even though it wasn't a book. Reimu approached her, "Hey you, where are all the fairies?"

Patchouli tapped her "book" and faced the intruder, "They are gathering items from the outside world at Lady Remilia's request."

"What for?"

Patchouli sighed, "She was 'bored' with things in Gensokyo, and wanted to make things more interesting."

Reimu asserted, "Well I've come to tell her that she's disrupting the equilibrium of Gensokyo! She can't just do something like that without consequence! I intend to confront her about it, and if you're against that," she drew a spellcard, "then prepare yourself."

Patchouli, unmoved, responded, "I'm not interested in combat. Go ahead and see her. I could care less one way or the other what you do."

Reimu eased her arms, "You're not standing up for Remilia? Fine by me! By the way, what's that you're holding?"

"A Kindle."

"A what?"

Patchouli sighed, "A device that lets me read digital books. Now, if you'll excuse me." She tapped the "Kindle" and moved her eyes like she was reading.

Reimu, not one to waste such an opportunity, flew out into the main hall of the mansion. There were a few fairy maids, but none of them tried to stop her. She checked all the rooms; the kitchen, the bedrooms, the dining hall, the music hall, the small space Remilia called her "quiet room", and did not find anyone. There was only one last place to look; the basement.

Reimu dreaded the thought, but she had been there before, several years ago, when she was younger, less experienced, yet still able to defeat both Patchouli and Flandre (with Marisa's help). She approached the door that led to the basement, breathed deeply, and reached for the handle. Oddly enough, it was unlocked. She swung open the large door.

The moment she did, her ears were assaulted by loud music, music that sounded alien to her. She would not be deterred by this. She flew in, and saw something even more alien. She saw Meiling and Flandre observing a gigantic panel on the wall. The panel was showing a man dancing vibrantly to the music that was playing, and both Meiling and Flandre were imitating the video man's dance moves. On top of that, the songs' lyrics were indecipherable to Reimu.

Reimu flew in front of the screen. Flandre, having to scream to communicate, shouted, "LOOK! REIMU'S IN THE GAME! WE'VE UNLOCKED A BONUS!"

Meiling, looking scared, yet still dancing, responded, "I DON'T THINK THAT'S A PROJECTION! I THINK THAT'S THE REAL DEAL!"

"DOES SHE WANNA PLAY?"

Reimu drew purifying needles when the music stopped. Meiling and Flandre stopped dancing as the door guard proclaimed, "What do you want, Reimu? You interrupted our performance of Billie Jean, so this better be important!"

Reimu creased her forehead for a moment before questioning, "Where's Remilia?"

"Oh, Sis! She went to Heaven to give new toys to the celestials!"

_Great, she's now corrupting the celestials_, Reimu thought. "Thank you very much. That'll be all for today."

"Huh? You don't wanna play? This game is a lotta fun!"

Reimu shook her head, "I can't. I have business with your sister, but please, do carry on."

She left the mansion and flew in the direction of Youkai Mountain. She continually gained her altitude, reaching the peak. There before her laid Bhavaagra, the realm of Heaven that existed within Gensokyo. Lush mountainsides could be seen, as well as buildings of marble, where the celestials lived.

Normally at this point, Reimu would observe celestials either dancing in festivity, or hosting a philosophical debate. Neither was happening at that moment. Instead, a number of celestials were riding in vehicles. Some of these vehicles were large, and could hold several people. Some of them were small, and only seated one. A few of them had two wheels instead of four. Regardless of what they were riding, the celestials appeared to be enjoying themselves, even though the noise they made irritated Reimu to no end.

It was then that a celestial that Reimu recognized appeared. Her long blue hair danced in the wind as she rode up to her, "Ah, the Hakurei girl? I'm not being punished, am I?"

Reimu flew down, "What is that you're on?"

"Oh, this? This is a dirt bike! Remilia gave us all vehicles that can traverse the terrain here in Bhavaagra! Everyone's either driving these, or ess-yu-vees, or quads. Or, wait, were those ei-tee-vees?"

Reimu asked, "Have you seen Remilia today? Is she still here?"

Tenshi pondered, "She should be somewhere close by. I'd stick around, but I just love the way this thing goes up and down whenever I go fast!" She zoomed off into the distance.

Reimu went back to flying around, looking for any sign of Remilia. She saw someone else flying, someone holding a rather large umbrella. Reimu flew up to the girl, "That's a different parasol."

The pale girl replied, "Yes, I know. This parasol holds no aesthetic value, yet you can get them anywhere in a 'hardware store' in the outside world. Apparently, you're supposed to hoist them on tables, not carry them, but then again, these weren't marketed to vampires."

Reimu stated, "All weirdness aside, you're going overboard with this. Why would you even do something like this?"

Remilia said, "Put simply, I was bored."

"I heard that part already. Seems fitting that you would admit that here, of all places."

Remilia narrowed her eyes for a moment before continuing, "As I was saying, I had come from the outside world some time ago to settle within this country, and one of the first things I noticed about Gensokyo was, put simply, many of the wonderful toys outside didn't make it inside! Patchy's staff of fairies is able to sneak past the Boundary, abduct books, and bring them back into Voile. One day, I thought to myself, why not do that for other things as well? So now, I have modernized our country, bringing joy to everyone, human and youkai alike."

Reimu protested, "But such things shouldn't ever be here! The rule is only technology that is no longer wanted, indeed, no longer exists in the minds of outsiders, can fall into Gensokyo!" She drew a spell card, "Stop this at once!"

Remilia, nonchalant as ever, said, "Very well."

Reimu look surprised, "Huh? You're not, you're just giving up?"

Remilia espoused, "Soon, I will grow bored of this as well. And I better rein in the fairies before they start importing weapons and such. Hold on a moment." She took out some device, pressed a series of buttons, and closed the device.

"What did you just do?"

Remilia answered, "I sent a text to all the fairies."

"A text?"

Remilia explained, "Yes, a message filled with text. It reads, 'Stop doing what you're doing, go back to the mansion, and await further instructions."

Reimu withdrew her spell card and her gohei, "Wow, I can't believe you actually listened to me for once! Have all your defeats finally made you scared of me?"

Remilia chuckled, "A ha ha ha! No. I fear no human. I just am not in the mood for your shenanigans today." She snapped her fingers, "Oh, even though the fairies have stopped, what will you do about all the technology that's now scattered throughout Gensokyo? Are you really going to dispose of _everything_, all by yourself?"

Reimu looked away. She had nothing to say for the longest time, until, "I don't know. All I know is, you called them off, and my job is done for now."

* * *

><p>In the Netherworld, Youmu was gorging on a meal with Yuyuko. In-between bites, Yuyuko stated, "Ever since we incorporated new technology into Hakugyokurou, your job has become much easier!"<p>

Youmu, in-between stuffing her face with warm food, said, "Yes indeed. Everything from cooking our meals, to tending to the garden, to preparing your baths can now be all done with just pressing a button; the machines do all the rest!"

Yuyuko commented, "I know! You've put on some weight since you last did anything strenuous."

"Ehǃ?" Youmu nearly choked. Indeed, her dress seemed stretchier than usual, and her arms weren't as petite as they used to be. While human doctors would mostly likely only classify her as "slightly overweight", to be reminded of such a fact caused Youmu to blush, "Please don't say that, Yuyuko-sama! My family's reputation will be destroyed!"

Yuyuko laughed heartily, "Oh, silly Youmu! There's no need to be embarrassed! There's plenty of pictures of you when you were still skinny as a pole! And even then, if you're that self-conscious, we could always visit Eirin, and she can remove whatever fat you don't want."

Youmu gasped, "She can really do that?"

"She can now!"

Youmu made a wide smile, then flew into Yuyuko's bosoms, hugging her tightly, "You're the best, Yuyuko-sama!"

* * *

><p>The Hakurei Shrine was looking a little different these days. For one thing, the shrine, and its gate, no longer appeared to be made out of lumber, or indeed, any antiquated carpentry material. Everything looked modern, for lack of a better description.<p>

The house portion of the shrine was much larger than before, easily able to accommodate more than two people like in the past. Modern conveniences were everywhere; a plug-in scent for a pleasant smell, enka music playing, a meal being prepared in a proper kitchen, and heating to keep the house appropriately warm.

Reimu had finished preparing a meal. She sat down on a sofa, since she got used (really quickly) to Western furniture pieces, and proceeded to eat. At that moment, she was interrupted, although this time, she was not perturbed, "So, this is the path you chose."

"Yup!" Reimu cheered, in-between her slurping. "I saw how happy everyone was, and I thought, why should I hold back such wonders for Gensokyo? Besides, only obsolete technology falls into here, right? The outside world must be even more advanced than this!"

Yukari's eyes were closed, for she was lying on the floor, "I love the carpeting you got for the floor, Reimu. You could fall asleep on it."

Reimu, still happily eating, noted, "So you wanna have a sleepover? Mind you, I can't sleep for weeks on end like you."

Yukari, still ignoring Reimu, said, "Oh, from one leader of Gensokyo to another, I never told you my vitals, did I?"

"Your what?"

Yukari floated up, "You know, my measurements!"

Reimu finished her food, "Is that really important?"

Yukari fixed her gaze on the shrine maiden, "If we're to get to know each other, then yes. You've become far less irritable since the big change, so now I can speak to you without you displaying some level of annoyance."

"Keep pushing your luck." Reimu scolded, as she washed out her bowl with running water in a sink.

"Ah, there's the Reimu I know!" Yukari changed her tone, "But, I'll tell you a little about myself. I stand, from head to toe, sixty-seven inches."

Reimu tried to process this information, "Eh? What is that? In centimeters?"

Yukari continued, "It's funny, because here, that's an above-average height for a woman, yet the last time I was outside of Gensokyo, I was in a place called, 'Boston', and many of the women there were about the same height, or even taller! And none of them could call themselves youkai! Oh that reminds me, last time I weighed myself, I was one-hundred twenty-nine pounds."

Reimu became frustrated, "This would be a good conversation if you didn't use terms I don't recognize!"

Yukari said, "I used to be one-twenty-one, I wonder what happened? Maybe I developed more muscle. Hmm, well, speaking of you, you're a bit smaller than me, more Chen's build than Ran's, I would guess you're . . . sixty-two inches? And a hundred-and-one pounds?"

Reimu had balled her hands into fists, "What are you doing hereǃ? Seriouslyǃ?"

Yukari stood on her feet, "Oh yes, right! The technology in our country, you didn't stop Remilia?"

Reimu pointed out, "Actually yes, I did. However, the process of cleaning up . . . met some opposition. The villagers were against it, the Moriya Shrine was against it, Heaven was against it, Hell was against it, the Scarlet Devil Mansion was against it, Youkai Mountain was obviously against it, Eientei was indifferent, as was the Netherworld, but I saw the people there enjoying new technology anyway. About the only group that supported me was Myouren Temple, but then I found out that was simply because Remilia was, in Byakuren's words, 'stealing my thunder.' Then it looked like they had no support for my cleanup effort. Also, everyone knows you and your family use modern technology, and then it hit me, the people here are so much happier with new stuff. Sanae frequently dances to music, the fairies play Minecraft instead of pranking humans, and I'm more comfortable than ever. So I decided, this was a conflict not worth fighting."

Yukari smiled, "You have learned to pick your battles, Reimu. You are my greatest accomplishment yet." She then looked away whimsically, "I suppose it was hypocritical of me to send you on that mission. After all, Gensokyo, when you were born, was more industrialized then when I was your age. No one complained about modern conveniences then, so why do it now?"

Right then, the house started shaking. Not from an earthquake, but from vibrations caused by soundwaves. Reimu covered her ears, "WHAT IS THAT?"

A figure wearing a pointy hat entered. She was carrying a speakerset on her shoulder, "WHADYA THINK?" A flurry of danmaku flew at her, "AGH!"

Marisa was chased out by Yukari. The blonde girl skedaddled on her broomstick. Reimu flew outside, "What is she thinking?"

Yukari glared at the shrine maiden, "Forget everything I said! The house, the games, the music, all of it goes back into the outside world, pronto! Failure to comply will result in you becoming Eirin's newest test subject!"

"YES MA'AM!"

[Author's Note: The title is no joke; this really is the final Touhou Omake I'm doing.

If you follow my other stories, you know why that is; I'm moving on to making ebooks that I can publish by myself for money. I can't keep writing fanfics if I seriously want to make a living off of doing that. That, and also, I'm out of ideas for my Omake series. You'd think making nonsensical oneshots wouldn't be all that hard, but maintaining the level of quality that I pride myself in is . . . a feat in of itself.

For those of you following my other fanfics, I intend to end Gensokyan Backstories too. I wanna do at least one more of those, then . . . I guess the door to Project: Touhou Monogatari will finally come to a close. That's what I collectively call my Touhou fics that aren't these omake shorts. Everything will end, but I'm sure you'll find other Touhou fanworks to keep yourselves occupied. Hopefully.]


End file.
